March 2, 2015

Secret Benefits of Breastfeeding

Before the birth of my first child, I knew without a doubt that I would breastfeed because it's natural, convenient and cheap. Forget about passive immunity and kangaroo care, they had me at cheap. With my delicate princess hands, not having to wash bottles was an added bonus. As I navigated the realm of latching on, pumping, and ninja nursing in public, I discovered the secret benefits of breastfeeding. Shh, don't tell a soul...

Secret Benefits of Breastfeeding

  1. Mile high metabolism. Eat whatever you want; baby needs it!
  2. Porn star boobs without surgery (or damaging your reputation). Flash them to get discounts, fill out dresses that never fit right... but use them only for good.
  3. Graceful escapes from slow talkers, chatty cathies and negative nancies. When you can't take it any more, ask for the time, then swoop out of the room with baby announcing, "It's feeding time! She needs privacy to nurse!"
  4. Access to the swanky Mother's Lounge at the mall. Hello, comfy leather chairs and my long lost friends, peace and quiet! Goodbye, putrid public washroom and noisy Food Court!
  5. Nipples just like the tribal centrefold girls in National Geographic. You know what I'm talking about.
  6. Private seating when dining at restaurants. Expect to be tucked away where others can't see you lest you offend other patrons with your mysterious bovine-like behaviors (fancy that, using your udders for their intended purpose).
  7. Unlimited change room time at H&M. You do need more time, right? Shout out, "Just need to feed the baby!" and be given several minutes to check out your cleavage in that little black dress over and over again, or actually feed the parasite. Either way, it's good.
  8. Front Row Seats to the Bosom Buddies Disappearing Act. Once your milking days are over, the rate of funbag deflation is exponentially proportional to the number of children you nursed. It's a miracle of nature!
  9. Shopping sprees. When you're expecting, you buy Valkyrian preggo brassieres and nursing bras. Once your babe is off the boob, you will discover that nothing fits anymore whether it was from before, during or after pregnancy. You'll need new bras. While you're at it, get some new shirts.. and shoes.. because shoes.
  10. Learn what pancakes, tube socks, and bananas have in common. They are all post-nursing boob shapes! Disclaimer: You may have to nurse more than one child to develop food or sock geometry of the breast.
What would you add to this list?

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