Pooches and Pussy Cozies

Mother Nature doesn't play fair but you can make the most of your postpartum hair loss.

Satan Sent Me Spam (or My DVD Player Just Hates Me

Satan's work or Dora the Explorer's?

You're Not In The Boom Boom Room Anymore

Has your bedroom lost its sexy since baby moved in? You're not alone.

I Nominate Myself For The Worst Mommy Blogger Ever

Not your typical mommy blogger.

My Doctor Made Me More Depressed

Talking about depression is difficult, especially when you're talking to idiots.

January 24, 2012

Sometimes It Is All About You (Or Should Be)

My adventures in postpartum depression (PPD) continue. I've been trying various modalities in order to get happy and lose bitchy/tired/sad. Between weekly yoga, several sessions of acupuncture, Chinese herbs, vitamin therapy and antidepressants, it's been interesting. My next post will be about my brief antidepressant use and why I'm no longer on them, but for now, I'm gonna bitch (again, remember this post?) about people that don't get it or don't care to try and understand what depression entails... or maybe I'll just bitch about one person in particular.

Over the holidays, my mom asked how I was doing. As I told her how I'd been - holding nothing back - and how I'd been trying to deal with it, it became clear that in spite of her Psych degree, she thought I was weak, not trying hard enough and stupid to be taking medication when I can just exercise and eat better. I tried to explain that I was doing the best I could, but not getting any better and that it's a lot better to have the side effects of medication than sit in my car in the garage with the engine running (something I'd thought about several times in my darkest days among other ways to check out). Realizing I was not in a safe place and feeling like I had to validate my condition, I stopped talking personal and instead, told my mom about the prevalence of PPD. I told her how in the past few months, two friends admitted they'd had PPD but never told anyone, and how many other moms I've met through blogging and social media are also suffering from PPD and the stigma associated with it. Without batting an eye at my admission of having suicidal thoughts, my mom responded by saying that:
PPD must be a "trend" of some sort like ADHD was when I was a kid and that there must be something wrong with society for so many people to have PPD. 
This is what I needed...
...and this is what I got.
What the fuck??? Without caring if I sounded like a spoiled brat, I half yelled/half sobbed, "I don't know what's wrong with society and I don't care. I don't want to fix society, I just want to fix ME!" For the record, I do care about social issues and give back when I can, but for one moment, I needed someone to give a crap about me. When someone is obviously showing some vulnerability, she needs love. All I can say is colossal parent fail. I will try to do better by my girls; I know I can.

When things are bad, I will look to the positive influences in my life: my husband, friends and you. Thank you for laughing at my ridiculous posts and sending me virtual hugs when I can't make us laugh.

What cheers you up when you're in a funk?

January 17, 2012

Naughty Nanny, You're Too Sexy (For My House)

After much deliberation, I've decided to go back to work this spring (rather than September) and this started a flurry of worry... what the hell are we gonna do with the kids? Although we LOVED the dayhome Naked Girl went to, now that we have TWO little munchkins, the most economical childcare solution is a nanny. A nanny will also save us the frustration of shoving the kids in the car in their pajamas without breakfast getting the kids ready and out the door in the morning and rushing to pick them up before their daycare closes. There are a lot of negative points, however... 
  1. Having a room-mate again. I'm not keen on the idea AT ALL, but we can't afford a live-out nanny.
  2. Just because a nanny is cheaper than daycare, doesn't mean it's cheap. We have to feed her, our utility bills will go up, plus we have to pay for her health insurance, employment insurance and other crap (still reading through the government docs). We'll probably have to get cable for the first time ever too... not my favorite use of dough. 
  3. It's so hard to find a good nanny. 
  4. There is SO much fricken paperwork involved in hiring a foreign nanny.
  5. The domestic nannies seem so slutty. Below are REAL photos I pulled off a nanny/au pair site. I have concealed their faces for anonymity AND so they don't sue the pants off of me. At least I'm wearing pants. No word of a lie, when I was looking the other day, one was wearing a swimsuit and another was wearing a belt teeny tiny dress. When I tried to get their photos for this post, they were gone - probably reporting for hooking on a nanny site. They actually had the balls to say they wanted to work for single dads too. I digress. Enjoy the photos. 

Ok, this one isn't dressed slutty but if you saw her facial expression, you'd think she was posing for a porn mag.
Get a room (you should see her bedroom eyes!) or better yet, get a modelling job. Seriously gorgeous.
My husband's first impression when I said this was our nanny? "She's a party girl, huh?"
Again, you're not getting the whole picture so she doesn't look that bad. Loads of makeup!
Unless she's lactating and offering to nurse my baby, I don't need to see her tits. Wouldn't you agree?  
My personal favorite. Because nothing says I can take good care of your kids like posing seductively
behind a shiny curtain. My only question for her: Where's the stripper pole?

Am I a prude or do you think these photos are inappropriate for nanny applications too?

January 12, 2012

Someone Stole My Sing-a-ma-jig

My daughter left her Sing-a-ma-jig in a ride at the mall and that was the last time we saw it. Let me back up a bit, though. First of all, no, we didn't spend two bucks to let her ride in the Princess carriage. Naked Girl is still letting us get away with shaking rides while she sits in them or telling her the ride is broken, though she is starting to suspect we're holding out on her. Anyways, she had such a blast on her fake ride that she left her freaky-ass alien friend behind.
Here is a Sing-a-ma-jig thing-a-ma-jig in case you were wondering
When we realized Naked Girl was Sing-a-ma-jig-less, based on the absence of weird sounds coming from the stroller (other than the usual whining and farting), we were on the other side of the mall and of course the mall was closing, so we left without the pink demon (it's seriously creepy how you can make it sing and move its mouth but it sings "So Long!" on its own without moving its mouth).

The next time we were there, a few weeks later, we were confident that her toy would be at the Lost & Found. That close to closing time, surely the cleaners would turn it in, right? Well, they never got the chance because some asshole scooped it. The super high-tech lost and found system had no record of any pink stuffed toy turned in around the dates we were there. It's not like it was Naked Girl's only toy, but it was a well-loved gift from her aunt and uncle, so she was disappointed to hear the toy really was gone... especially since I took her to Lost & Found telling her it would be there. I had to explain to Naked Girl that there are "bad people" in the world that take things that aren't theirs, just like Swiper the Fox on Dora.  And yes, the bad people are on Santa's naughty list and sometimes the police even catch them and put them in jail. And yes, sweetie, jail is like a long time out with lots of other bad people (I didn't explain the bad things the bad people do to each other in prison. That will be for when she's older to deter her from being a bad person.). She took it all in very seriously and then said, "Bad people need a time out! Can we go to the play place now?"

Swiper the fox, sneaky little bastard
Boo for thieving losers. At least we had a teachable moment and I can take solace in the fact that the opportunistic losers that swiped my kid's toy will most certainly be infected with bum germs, colds and ringworm 'cause that's how we roll. Dad is the master of biohazardous bum rags and bum germs and the kids are purveyors of other fine germs.

How did you explain stealing to your kids?

January 10, 2012

Spam Cures Cancer!

You know I never try to sell you anything or convert you to another religion (except to Kegelism), but today's post is good spam. I kid you not, this spam can help cure cancer!
Unfortunately, this spam does NOT cure cancer.
So what's the dealio?


My little sister, Chrissy, is going to run a marathon to raise funds for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. Yes, she's one of those (f@#$n amazing) people. It's not enough to run 26 miles, she has to raise money for charity too and make the rest of us look bad. The St. Jude Country Music Marathon, Nashville, on April 28, 2012 will be her second marathon and I am so stinkin' proud of her already!  


The Cause


St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital is a unique facility in which cancer treatments are provided to children regardless of their families' ability to pay. Further, the hospital conducts cutting-edge research and shares the findings with the global medical community so more lives can be saved around the world. Mortality rates for several types of cancer have been drastically reduced (by 60% on average) since the hospital's inception in 1962. For more information, please visit the hospital's website or see the Ways to Help St. Jude brochure.


How You Can Help

  • Please visit Chrissy's page and click on the orange "Donate Now" button on the upper right. 
    • Note 1: The donation amount defaults to increments of $25, starting at $25, but it is possible to enter a different amount by selecting "other". Every dollar helps!
    • Note 2: No money goes to my sister; it all goes to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Chrissy is paying for her own flights, accommodation, and entry fees.
  • If you are unable to donate (I totally understand with Christmas so close behind us), kindly spam your friends and family in the hopes that they will donate to this worthy cause. 
Thank you so much for your help! 
Naked Mommy


And now back to our regular programming.. here's today's quickie 
(Alternate Title: When Words Come Out Wrong)


From the toddler who brought you the word 'F@#$y', a new definition of the phrase 'hand job': 
hand wash.


Example: "Baby needs a hand job."


I almost peed myself laughing! 




What do you do when your kids says something oh-so-wrong but oh-so-funny?


January 6, 2012

Super Pooper

Naked Daddy has been off for two weeks and we've been making the most of it. By this, I mean more than ice skating, walks, and trips to the zoo; for me, it's been great not to deal with poo. You see, in the Naked house, when Naked Daddy is home, he assumes poo duty. In honour of his efforts, and Naked Baby's changing bowel habits (she used to poop once a day, now it's three times!), I wrote a verse based on the tune of Super Trouper* by ABBA. Naked Girl already knows all the words and sings it with me every time Naked Baby needs a change. I hope you'll sing along!

Super Pooper (sing to the tune of Super Trouper by ABBA)


Super Pooper, Daddy's gonna change you
Every single time
And that is just fine
No poopy diapers are mine!

It's ridiculous that relief of poo duty should make me so giddy, but as you already know, these hands were not made for wiping asses. Who's on poo duty in your house?

*Super Trouper, the inspiration for Super Pooper:


January 3, 2012

Dear Boobies, I Miss You

Dear Boobies,

I miss you.

Love,
Naked Mommy

Aside from growing a baby, the only other good thing about being pregnant was growing boobs. To an average person, they looked like normal boobs, but to me, a gal who'd never been well endowed and had in fact been fairly flat, my two cup size larger boobs seemed gloriously huge. They hurt like hell the first trimester and leaked in the third trimester, but they were full and bouncy for the first time in my life so I didn't mind. In fact, I embraced the side effects of being a boob owner.  I happily bought new bras, could suddenly see the purpose of sports bras, and commiserated with women who complained about men talking to their tits and not their faces. Since most of my mom friends said their boobs remained bigger after baby,  I was optimistic I'd get to keep my new friends. Of course this means I was totally and naively unprepared to lose them.


Deflation began before the third trimester. I lost one whole cup size. My tatas were temporarily restored to their former glory when breastfeeding started, but they quickly reverted to B cups. Eight months later, when I'd finally lost all the baby weight, I pulled out my little pre-baby bras and shockingly couldn't fill them out! Somehow my little girls were littler than before, like baby sucked everything out of them. I didn't think it was possible but my sister-in-law said to just look at her mom (This isn't a bad mother-in-law joke. I love my MIL but she is completely flat). After a quick discussion, we concurred that the flatness was a result of nursing five children and the rate of flattening increased exponentially after the second child, so we were safe to have two children and only suffer partial losses.

As if the shrinkage weren't enough, my rib cage has never gone back to pre-baby size. It doesn't matter that I got below pre-baby weight last summer, I have never been able to get back into certain dresses or shirts (I used to be 32", now I'm 36"). Not a big deal, right? Well, guess what? Small boobs on a wider chest look even smaller! *Sob!*

I am still nursing Naked Baby and am dreading the post-breastfeeding shrinkage. After this many years, I am comfortable in my own body and used to my small (but perky!) breasts; however, I do not want to lose everything I've got and go back to my prepubescent body. After conducting a brief internet search, I found seven options in the event your boobs *gasp* shrink and you're left with tragically tiny tits. My commentary on each option follows.
  1. Buy cleavage enhancing, padded bras: + provides some improvement in appearance, - many of these bras are uncomfortable 
  2. Buy silicone inserts: + works very well if you have something to lift (they sit beneath your breasts and add one cup size); - if you have very small breasts and the inserts are bigger than your breasts, the inserts sit strangely in your bra and make your girls look lumpy (I used them for my wedding since my dress had boning in it to hide the lumps; haven't worn them since).
  3. Take breast-enhancing supplements: I have not used these and do not plan to as I question their effectiveness and safety
  4. Get a boob lift: - as with any surgical procedure there are risks, also this procedure only works if you have breast tissue to lift.
  5. Get a boob job: + best improvement in appearance, - as with any surgical procedure there are risks, may make detection of lumps in breast more difficult.
  6. Perform breast enhancing exercises: + certain exercises can provide more definition to breasts and lift them, - too much exercise and not enough body fat can result in masculine looking breasts.
  7. Gain weight: + breast tissue is fat so when you gain weight, some goes to your breasts, but - you will also gain weight elsewhere
Since I am not comfortable going under the knife (and certainly can't afford it), it looks like I need to start doing push-ups and weights and invest in padded bras. It's no surprise, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to see what's out there. My girls, Naked Girl and Naked Baby, owe me for taking away my first girls. I think a time share in Hawaii after they make their first million is fair, don't you?

Did your body bounce back after baby or are you still getting there?

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