April 14, 2012

My Overdue (And Completely Irreverent) Easter Post

Disclaimer: The following post deals with my ignorance of Easter. NONE of this post is in any way meant to bash Christianity, but deeply religious folk may find the subject matter offensive.

The Naked Family celebrates all the (major) Canadian Christian holidays and observes most of the same traditions our church-going friends follow - except for the going to church part. Unfortunately, my lack of religious training often results in ridiculous comments / inquiries that come off as disrespectful. Divine intervention causes me to have epiphanies around extremely devout people, but rather than show me the light, they look at me horrified, shake their heads, and leave... WITHOUT PRAYING FOR ME. What the fuck?

Enough dithering and feeling sorry for myself (I guess I will have to pray for myself tonight). Here are some of my Easter-related blunders. If you know the answers to any of these questions, feel free to enlighten me.

Ramadan for Catholics

Naked Mommy: What the hell is Lent? Ramadan for Catholics?
Friend: Um, no.
Naked Mommy: All I know is that everyone at work gave up chocolate. I don't get what that has to do with God or how it will make the man upstairs happy.
Friend: It isn't about making God happy. It's about making a sacrifice.
Naked Mommy: Well, whatever. If people want to do right by God, they should give up pre- and extra-marital sex... not just for Lent but all the time! The same for all that other bad stuff the other Commandments tell us not to do.
Friend: Whatever. You didn't go to Sunday school, did you?
Naked Mommy: I co-taught it in Junior High!
Friend: God help the kids who were in your class.

It's Not a Born Again Party

Naked Mommy's Mom: What are you doing on Monday?
Naked Mommy: Working... aren't you?
Naked Mommy's Mom: No, it's a day off for us. Why are you working?
Naked Mommy: Because my company doesn't care about Jesus. If Christmas is Jesus' birthday and we get a week off, and Easter is Jesus' born-again party, shouldn't we get the whole week off? I mean, it's kind of a big deal!
Naked Mommy's Mom: Well, they could at least give you Easter Monday off.
Naked Mommy: To be respectful. At the very least.

Turkey and Jesus, don't ask
Another Friend: Are you making a turkey for Easter?
Naked Mommy: No, I hate turkey. Plus, it's so Thanksgiving.
Another Friend: And Christmas.
Naked Mommy: Yeah. We hosted Christmas last year though so we didn't have to have turkey; we had beef tenderloin instead.
Another Friend: That sounds good! But don't you feel that turkey is more traditional? It just doesn't seem right to not have turkey at the holidays.
Naked Mommy: Because Jesus died so we could eat turkey.
Another Friend: <no words>

This year, since I am obviously unqualified to even ask questions about Easter let alone answer them, I told Naked Baby and Naked Girl the big, fat lie about the Easter Bunny, had an Easter Egg hunt, and cooked a ham. We had a Happy Easter, how about you?

Love,
Naked Mommy

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