February 12, 2012

Ding Dong! Can I Help You?

I like to think I'm less passive-aggressive than I used to be, but my mind still races with mischievous schemes when someone pisses me off. The difference 20 years makes, is that instead of enacting my evil plans, I simply share them with whoever will listen and have a good belly laugh (or, as is more often the case, laugh maniacally to myself).

Lately I've been annoyed with so many people that I haven't had time to plot against them all; however, there's one person I'd love to pull a prank on: my mother-in-law (MIL). Every time MIL comes over, she makes a point of snooping through all the kitchen cupboards. I ask her if she needs help or if she's looking for anything in particular and she always answers brightly, "No, no, just looking!" Sometimes she'll comment to Naked Daddy in his mother tongue, "Oh, everything's organized!" (Why wouldn't it be? Do I come across as that much of a slob?) and stare at the myriad of spice jars on the rack. Her snooping thus far hasn't extended beyond the kitchen fortunately, but it is very unsettling. I've tried steering her straight to the table and tempting her with wine and cheese or delicious baked goods (her weakness), but inevitably she ends up ensconced in the pantry, crouched on the floor with her head in a cupboard of Tupperware, or intently rifling through the tin foil/Saran Wrap/wax paper drawer. I don't get it. Our kitchen and its contents are nothing extraordinary. Perhaps she just misses her kitchen and wants to ensure it's being well cared for... Did I mention we bought her house a few years ago after she moved to a condo?

In any case, as much as I love my mother-in-law, I would love to hide a big, nasty dildo in the cupboards for her to find. Not only do I want her to find it, but I want to catch her reaction on camera. Although my sister-in-law is certain her mom wouldn't know what she was looking at, that would almost be better. Could you imagine YOUR mother-in-law holding up a purple 8-inch dildo or 3-foot fister at the dinner table asking, "What the heck is this?" Now don't you dare beat me to the punch and steal my chance at America's Funniest Home Video!

This post wouldn't be complete without a dildo picture!
How do you deal with snoopy relatives or nosey neighbours?


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