Pooches and Pussy Cozies

Mother Nature doesn't play fair but you can make the most of your postpartum hair loss.

Satan Sent Me Spam (or My DVD Player Just Hates Me

Satan's work or Dora the Explorer's?

You're Not In The Boom Boom Room Anymore

Has your bedroom lost its sexy since baby moved in? You're not alone.

I Nominate Myself For The Worst Mommy Blogger Ever

Not your typical mommy blogger.

My Doctor Made Me More Depressed

Talking about depression is difficult, especially when you're talking to idiots.

February 27, 2012

The Floor Food Movement

Are you tired of picking your kids' food up off the floor? 
Does throwing perfectly good food in the garbage make you sick? 

If you answered yes to either of these questions, then I have 
the solution you've been waiting for:

Floor Food

What Is It?
Floor food is comprised of bits of food that have intentionally or accidentally ended up on the floor. Although food in the general sense includes liquids such as soup, floor food is mostly solid food due to the nature of the eating surface. Soft foods such as yogurt or gravy may also be considered floor food, however care must be taken not to leave these foods uneaten for too long or vigorous scraping may be required to get the food off the floor when you need to eat it. (It is important to note that some consumers of Floor Food have informed me that they greatly enjoy making their own yogurt leather.)

Floor Food. Don't throw it out!

How Do You Eat Floor Food?
The beauty of floor food is that it is the truest form of casual dining. You may eat it directly off the floor with or without utensils. Some very young folk may even eat it hands-free not unlike a dog.

Eating Floor Food With Hands
Hands-Free Floor Food Eating

What Are The Advantages Of Floor Food?
  1. No waste: No longer do you need to waste precious dollars' worth of food each meal. All scraps, leftovers, and "droppage" can be eaten later in the day.
  2. Increased immunity: It is well-documented that children who grow up in too clean of an environment have weak immune systems. Eating off the floor and disavowing the 3-second rule ensures your children get the best possible start in life.
  3. Better quality of life due to the following: 
    • Less time spent cleaning. Look at this way: The average toddler eats 6 times a day (every two hours). Sweeping the floor 6 times a day takes about 20 minutes. That comes out to 121.7 hours per year, over 5 days of your life. When you factor in the reduction in dishes needing to be washed, Floor Food gives you back several days of your life! Proponents of Maid-less Living across North America support the Floor Food Movement as it significantly reduces the need for housework.
    • Less time spent cooking. If you are a stay-at-home parent with two children, eating Floor Food eliminates the need to cook dinner. Enjoy the fruits of your earlier labor and relax in the evening! 
    • More quality time with your loved ones. Rather than spending half of every mealtime disciplining your kids, let them chuck food off their trays without abandon and then enjoy an evening picnic on the floor. After all, didn't your pediatrician advise you to get down to your kids' level to bond with them?
    • Better relationship with your partner. Most couples fight about money, chores and child discipline. By reducing housework, grocery expenses and discipline, you are able to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.
How Does It Work?

A family of four* can expect to eat one meal of Floor Food a day (usually dinner) by observing the following rules:
  1. Allow your kids to throw/drop food on the floor. 
  2. Do not sweep or mop the kitchen floor until the last meal of the day has been eaten.
  3. If there is very little food droppage in your home, add table scraps and leftovers to the Floor Food. This will provide volume and variety. 
Add table scraps to Floor Food
*Smaller families can still benefit from Floor Food by eating it for snacks or purchasing Supplemental Floor Food. Please contact me for a price list.
    Bon Appetit!

    Participants Needed

    Would you like to drastically reduce your grocery bill, increase your quality of life, improve your marriage, and boost your immune system? Contact me today for a free* Floor Food Starter Kit (retail value: $29.95). The Floor Food Starter Kit includes 4 floor cushions, 4 scrapers and 4 sweepers. Order today and I will include recipes for yogurt leather, cookie popcorn balls, and veggie-Cheerio patties.

    *testimonial required to refund credit card charge

    February 16, 2012

    Is there a doctor on the bus?

    Here is an argument I just had with Naked Girl. Parent Fail #249 (for this week, but who's counting?)

    Naked Girl: (singing) The doctor on the bus goes 'Move on back', 'move on back', 'move on back'. The doctor on the bus goes 'Move on back', all day long.
    Me: Good job, sweetie! I love to hear you sing! Should we sing it again?

    Singing together 

    Me: The driver on the bus goes 'Move on back', 'move on back', 'move on back'.
    Naked Girl: The doctor on the bus goes 'Move on back', 'move on back', 'move on back'.

    Naked Girl: No, Mommy. The doctor goes move on back!
    Me: Are you sure? I think it's the driver.
    Naked Girl: No! It's doctor! Driver doesn't say move on back.
    Me: The driver drives the bus and tells the passengers to move back. The doctor makes too much money to take the bus and doesn't give a crap about the environment, so he drives his car to work. He isn't even on the bus.
    Naked Girl: Crap?
    Me: Crap is poo.
    Naked Girl: Crap is on the bus and doctor isn't on the bus?
    Me: You've got it. Except the first part. Forget about the crap.
    Naked Girl: Ok.... Mommy, can we sing something else now?

    I realize I need to work on my explanations... you think I'd be better at explaining what people do for a living considering I'm a human resources communications professional.

    February 12, 2012

    Ding Dong! Can I Help You?

    I like to think I'm less passive-aggressive than I used to be, but my mind still races with mischievous schemes when someone pisses me off. The difference 20 years makes, is that instead of enacting my evil plans, I simply share them with whoever will listen and have a good belly laugh (or, as is more often the case, laugh maniacally to myself).

    Lately I've been annoyed with so many people that I haven't had time to plot against them all; however, there's one person I'd love to pull a prank on: my mother-in-law (MIL). Every time MIL comes over, she makes a point of snooping through all the kitchen cupboards. I ask her if she needs help or if she's looking for anything in particular and she always answers brightly, "No, no, just looking!" Sometimes she'll comment to Naked Daddy in his mother tongue, "Oh, everything's organized!" (Why wouldn't it be? Do I come across as that much of a slob?) and stare at the myriad of spice jars on the rack. Her snooping thus far hasn't extended beyond the kitchen fortunately, but it is very unsettling. I've tried steering her straight to the table and tempting her with wine and cheese or delicious baked goods (her weakness), but inevitably she ends up ensconced in the pantry, crouched on the floor with her head in a cupboard of Tupperware, or intently rifling through the tin foil/Saran Wrap/wax paper drawer. I don't get it. Our kitchen and its contents are nothing extraordinary. Perhaps she just misses her kitchen and wants to ensure it's being well cared for... Did I mention we bought her house a few years ago after she moved to a condo?

    In any case, as much as I love my mother-in-law, I would love to hide a big, nasty dildo in the cupboards for her to find. Not only do I want her to find it, but I want to catch her reaction on camera. Although my sister-in-law is certain her mom wouldn't know what she was looking at, that would almost be better. Could you imagine YOUR mother-in-law holding up a purple 8-inch dildo or 3-foot fister at the dinner table asking, "What the heck is this?" Now don't you dare beat me to the punch and steal my chance at America's Funniest Home Video!

    This post wouldn't be complete without a dildo picture!
    How do you deal with snoopy relatives or nosey neighbours?

    February 8, 2012

    Turn That Frown Upside-Down (Gratitude List, Part 3)

    A big part of my postpartum depression self-treatment involves reprogramming negative thinking. I'm supposed to focus on the positive and to start by making a list of things I'm thankful for. I've done it before (here and here), but haven't posted the lists around house in prominent places; Naked Girl doesn't need to learn how to spell the f-word just yet.

    Here's my latest gratitude list:

    1. Naked Girl has good lungs and communication skills to tell me what she doesn't like (rather than just scream like most toddlers).

    2. My muffin top has shrunk two sizes to a delicious bite-size. Please, no sampling.

    3. My unkempt hair isn't falling out in handfuls anymore (on the downside, the production of pussy cozies has fallen dramatically).

    4. Slight hearing loss from babies hollering in my ears and total and utter exhaustion ensure I sleep well at night. I am relinquishing my title of World's Lightest Sleeper if you would like to carry the torch.

    5. I can use the word 'fuck' 47 different ways. It is amazingly satisfying and honestly, I think I'd be completely bat-shit crazy if I couldn't express my frustration/anger in a colourful way.

    This is probably not what the therapist (who wrote the self-help article) had in mind....

    What are YOU thankful for?

    February 3, 2012

    Photo Friday: 'Gina Juice

    Disclaimer: This post is about my daughter's word for vagina. I apologize in advance to all the Ginas out there.

    Anyone with a toddler knows how much little kids are fascinated with private parts. I think in the Naked house, we display them more often than other people, so Naked Girl talks about them even more than the average toddler! For a while, Naked Girl called her vagina Vagy, but lately she's been calling it 'Gina. Not only does she talk about her 'gina, but she even makes up little 'gina songs: 

    'Gina, 'gina, 'gina, Jacky has a 'gina. 
    'Gina, 'gina, 'gina, Mommy has a 'gina.. 

    ...and so on until she's gone through all the females she knows.

    Serendipitously, the last time I went shopping, I found Gina juice in aisle nine (shame it wasn't aisle 69, but grocery stores aren't that big). Laughing so hard I thought I'd pee myself, I popped the juice in the cart and drove it like I stole it all the way to the till with a huge grin on my face. 

    Delicious and healthy 'Gina juice. Naked Daddy loves it!
    The cashier didn't suspect a thing, she just thought I was a bit weird, but when I got home and announced my purchase to the family, I got the following reactions:

    Naked Daddy: Mm, my favorite. I love 'gina juice.

    Naked Girl: I'm NOT drinking that, Mommy! I don't like 'gina juice!

    Naked Baby: (smiled because she knew Naked Daddy was being naughty)

    What names do your kids use for their junk?


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