January 3, 2012

Dear Boobies, I Miss You

Dear Boobies,

I miss you.

Love,
Naked Mommy

Aside from growing a baby, the only other good thing about being pregnant was growing boobs. To an average person, they looked like normal boobs, but to me, a gal who'd never been well endowed and had in fact been fairly flat, my two cup size larger boobs seemed gloriously huge. They hurt like hell the first trimester and leaked in the third trimester, but they were full and bouncy for the first time in my life so I didn't mind. In fact, I embraced the side effects of being a boob owner.  I happily bought new bras, could suddenly see the purpose of sports bras, and commiserated with women who complained about men talking to their tits and not their faces. Since most of my mom friends said their boobs remained bigger after baby,  I was optimistic I'd get to keep my new friends. Of course this means I was totally and naively unprepared to lose them.


Deflation began before the third trimester. I lost one whole cup size. My tatas were temporarily restored to their former glory when breastfeeding started, but they quickly reverted to B cups. Eight months later, when I'd finally lost all the baby weight, I pulled out my little pre-baby bras and shockingly couldn't fill them out! Somehow my little girls were littler than before, like baby sucked everything out of them. I didn't think it was possible but my sister-in-law said to just look at her mom (This isn't a bad mother-in-law joke. I love my MIL but she is completely flat). After a quick discussion, we concurred that the flatness was a result of nursing five children and the rate of flattening increased exponentially after the second child, so we were safe to have two children and only suffer partial losses.

As if the shrinkage weren't enough, my rib cage has never gone back to pre-baby size. It doesn't matter that I got below pre-baby weight last summer, I have never been able to get back into certain dresses or shirts (I used to be 32", now I'm 36"). Not a big deal, right? Well, guess what? Small boobs on a wider chest look even smaller! *Sob!*

I am still nursing Naked Baby and am dreading the post-breastfeeding shrinkage. After this many years, I am comfortable in my own body and used to my small (but perky!) breasts; however, I do not want to lose everything I've got and go back to my prepubescent body. After conducting a brief internet search, I found seven options in the event your boobs *gasp* shrink and you're left with tragically tiny tits. My commentary on each option follows.
  1. Buy cleavage enhancing, padded bras: + provides some improvement in appearance, - many of these bras are uncomfortable 
  2. Buy silicone inserts: + works very well if you have something to lift (they sit beneath your breasts and add one cup size); - if you have very small breasts and the inserts are bigger than your breasts, the inserts sit strangely in your bra and make your girls look lumpy (I used them for my wedding since my dress had boning in it to hide the lumps; haven't worn them since).
  3. Take breast-enhancing supplements: I have not used these and do not plan to as I question their effectiveness and safety
  4. Get a boob lift: - as with any surgical procedure there are risks, also this procedure only works if you have breast tissue to lift.
  5. Get a boob job: + best improvement in appearance, - as with any surgical procedure there are risks, may make detection of lumps in breast more difficult.
  6. Perform breast enhancing exercises: + certain exercises can provide more definition to breasts and lift them, - too much exercise and not enough body fat can result in masculine looking breasts.
  7. Gain weight: + breast tissue is fat so when you gain weight, some goes to your breasts, but - you will also gain weight elsewhere
Since I am not comfortable going under the knife (and certainly can't afford it), it looks like I need to start doing push-ups and weights and invest in padded bras. It's no surprise, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to see what's out there. My girls, Naked Girl and Naked Baby, owe me for taking away my first girls. I think a time share in Hawaii after they make their first million is fair, don't you?

Did your body bounce back after baby or are you still getting there?

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