December 15, 2011

People Suck and I Stink (Bah, Humbug!)

Christmas is a time for being with loved ones, thinking of dear ones we can't celebrate the holidays with, savoring seasonal treats, being inconsiderate douches, and giving and receiving boatloads of crap. Oh, did I lose you? Come on, you know what I'm talking about! So many people use the holiday as an excuse to be assholes and completely shirk their responsibilities as friends/coworkers/family members:

  1. Thanks for the Christmas card. I didn't forget about you. (written on a card I received halfway through January)
  2. I lied when I told you I got you a Christmas present so you would get me an obligatory gift, but I'll get you back next year. (not her exact words, but my bitch worker did this!)
  3. Haven't I called you Aunt Martha before? Well I guess I wouldn't call you that to your face! No, of course I'm not re-gifting that piece of crap my Aunt Martha re-gifted to me. (happened to a friend)
Knowing the joy that snail mail brings me, I send Christmas cards every year to The Chosen Ones, my relatives and close friends. Although I keep in touch with most of them electronically, with the occasional phone call for good measure, the Christmas card tradition is something I enjoy and plan to continue even if half of The Chosen Ones are douches and don't reciprocate. I get that writing cards is time-consuming work and that a lot of cards are bloody expensive, and the stamps get expensive when you're sending cards to a lot of people, but people can't even send e-cards? They're free, you can personalize them with photos, and if you're really fricken lazy, you can send everyone the same message. I know I've made newsletters some years to cut down on card-writing time, but it's still effort, yo, so where the f@#$'s my Christmas card? I used to get really mad, but this year I've just shortened the mailing list and told myself people suck. I'm almost over it... I think.

Then there are the lame, no-thought-put-into-them-whatsoever obligatory gifts. The very nature of them is disgusting - you didn't really want to give the person something, but they've given you something or are getting you something, so now you have to venture out to the mall two days before Christmas like a crazy person, wielding plastic (because you're broke) and body armor to protect yourself from the Living Dead, the Zombie Shoppers. As if the last-minute shopping weren't bad enough, you have to endure receiving crap in return, even if you picked something wonderful. I have a stockpile of the nastiest, smelliest shit from Bath & Body Works, or some other equally craptastic store, that some lazy losers gave me "because it's Christmas" and they couldn't think of anything better. Why are bath products the worst gift? Let me think... I don't take baths, I cannot use scented products, and smelly bubble bath just masks body odor. Just get me some Aveda body wash and we'll both be happy. I'll actually use it and you won't have to smell me. Because that's what you're really saying when you give cheap bath products: You stink.

I think crappy gift-giving began with the Three Wise Men. Gold is an amazing present that requires no explanation, but what the hell do you do with frankincense and myrrh? That stinky stuff from a tree's got lame-o man gift written all over it. Granted it was the time before malls, but all Stupid and Stupider could do was scrape some shit off a tree for the SON OF GOD? I'm not even religious, but that's pathetic; Jesus deserved the B.C. equivalent to a PlayStation at least. In order to help children everywhere understand the meaning of the word 'wise', the Three Wise Men should be renamed The One Wise Man and The Two Douches. I'm gonna tell the Pope. Is rewriting the Bible in his jurisdiction?

So the moral of the story is that people suck and I stink. At least I don't suck things that stink. (Sorry... crossed the line but I'm so on the naughty list already, I don't care.)

What ticks you off about Christmas?

P.S. The smelly bath stuff will be craftily re-gifted to people that suck, so don't forget my Christmas card next year, bitches!


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