Deciding to co-sleep with baby is a major decision that will affect your family as well as your bedroom. You must consider how your bedroom will metamorphose when you introduce a tiny, erratic sleeper. Not only will the look of your room change - burp cloths here, a crib and change table there, glider rocker in the corner - but the room's personality and function will change. Its sex appeal will evaporate leaving a castrated version of your kinky love nest. Quicker than you can say, "Not in front of the baby, Honey," your former Boom Boom* Room, where baby was made, will be converted into a room for baby's rest and pleasure alone.
Ten Ways You Can Tell You're Not In The Boom Boom Room Anymore
- There is a Fisher Price aquarium and Sleep Sheep on your nightstand because baby won't sleep without either. All night, every night, you have nightmares about being swallowed by a whale like Jonah.
- The video camera by the crib is for the video baby monitor. If you make it to bed while baby is still sleeping in her crib, be sure to turn the monitor off. Otherwise, you might make a late-night appearance on your neighbour's monitor. In pajamas without makeup on, no biggie; caught naked and "in the act", could make for embarrassing moments in the driveway.
- The nightstand's naughty drawer contents have been usurped by random baby items - breast pump, nipple cream, soothers, burp cloths, and baby books, socks and toys.
- Instead of f#$%ing in your room, you are always saying "f@#$!" because you're either bumping into furniture in the dark or stepping on toys with sharp edges. Gather up the evil toys and report them to the people who recall shit.
- Lingerie has been relegated to the bottom drawer (or another room if you're lucky enough to have a time and place to wear it).
- Your pre-baby boudoir shots have been tucked away where they won't taunt you or your baby daddy. I was that thin? She used to wear that?
- There is a bucket of urine and excrement in your room. Call it a diaper pail if it makes you feel better, but it won't change the truth. It could be worse. If your husband is like mine, the diapers are not even contained.
- The sheets don't match and are dirty even though you change them a few times a week.
- The wet spot smells suspiciously like shit.
- In the Boom Boom Room days, wet spot protocol would dictate you and your lover cuddle on the dry side of the bed, but with Junior monopolizing the middle 60% of the bed and sleeping soundly, you put a towel over the wet spot (even though point #9 applies) and stay on your side.
Has your room lost its sexy since baby moved in? Do you have a preferred Boom Boom place other than your room?
*Shame on you if you didn't catch the reference to "Boom Boom" by Paul Lekakis. The chorus is unforgettable: Boom, boom, boom. Let's go back to my room so we can do it all night and you can make me feel right. Here's the video if you need a refresher: