November 16, 2011

Razing Rapunzel

Oh the things you can learn while grocery shopping! This evening, a cashier at Superstore took pity on me and my bald baby and enlightened me with ancient secrets on raising a Rapunzel.

The first step is to shave your baby's head. When the hair starts growing back in, shave baby's head again. If you're brave, you can cut your baby's eyelashes off too. According to this mother-of-a-hairy-she-beast, her baby's eyelashes are several inches long and her baby's hair is down to her waist, all at the tender age of 14 months. Based on the amount of hair all over the cashier's exposed skin, I have no doubt her child would have been blessed (?) with an abundance of hair no matter what. I'm such a cow, the whole time she was talking, I was thinking, "Thank God that level of hairiness doesn't run in our family. I'd always be getting something waxed and the waxing bills would put us in the poorhouse."

Did I pop Em in the high chair, grab the clippers and start buzzing away when we got home? Not a chance. I know, after several mistakes in life, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. It doesn't take a genius to realize that there's no way in hell head shaving makes more hair grow. What's the first thing smart balding men do? They shave their heads to hide their receding hairlines. (If they aren't smart, they humiliate themselves and their associates with the notorious comb-over.) If shaving one's head made more hair grow back, they'd have a full head of hair after a few shaves. This clearly doesn't happen. Instead, more and more falls out and what's left turns grey or white.

I could go on and on about how men deserve to go bald because women are stuck with menstruating, carrying and birthing babies and so on, but that tangent would undermine the main message which is: spare what little hair your baby has, trust that her hair will grow in its own sweet time, and appreciate the fact that you're saving money on haircuts! My oldest got her first haircut at six months of age and since she won't sit still for me, has to be taken to the kiddy salon every few months. At $20 a visit, hair upkeep isn't cheap. My youngest will likely not need a haircut until she's two. Helloooo slush fund! The salon savings are going into a slush fund for wine, or wine slushies. It's about time the kids starting compensating me for my postpartum hair loss. Thank you, Em, for being a bald baby!

Ok, so she isn't completely bald!
What do you think about the baby head-shaving tradition?


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