November 13, 2011

I Want A Twisted Sister Wife For Christmas

Are you too much for one man to handle but don't want another man? Are you craving feminine companionship and support in a completely straight way? Are you wondering how you're gonna stay sane looking after the kids day after day on your own while your hubby's at work? If you answered yes to all three questions, I have a solution for you. Be my partner in crime, a modern Sister Wife, a woman with whom I'll share everything except my husband. Not any sister wife will do however, I want a Twisted Sister Wife for Christmas, only a Twisted Sister Wife will do (sing to the tune of "I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas")! Someone dark and twisty like Mer or Cristina on Grey's Anatomy would be perfect, but less neurotic, please, I hate that shit.

Meredith and Cristina, The Twisted Sisters

I am:
  • a night owl. If the kids wake up at 1 AM, they're mine; at 5 AM, they're yours.
  • a firm but fair disciplinarian most of the time. Corporal punishment is not used in my house unless my PMS is really bad (I'm totally joking, please don't contact the police or social services. The worst my kids get is a time out.).
  • outdoorsy and physically active. I would love someone to take turns watching the kidlets so I can bike, hike, ski or snowshoe. But honestly, if it's really cold outside, I'll probably just stay in and go on Facebook.
  • not a good housekeeper. My definition of cleaning extends to loading the dishwasher and no further. These hands are too sensitive to wash pots and pans, scrub toilets or perform other such menial labour. Since I'm pretty sure I was a Princess in a past life (or several), the only way I'll change is if I do umpteen past-life regression sessions and find my serf self from the Dark Ages. Why anyone would want to find her is beyond me. 
  • a good cook and baker. What I lack on the cleaning front, I make up for with Double Zero pizza crust, amazing ribs and lasagna, chewy chocolate chip cookies, tantalizing salad dressings and marinades and so on.
  • capable of loading the washing machine and dryer, half-decent at folding clothes, but terrible at ironing and lacking the desire to improve my skills with such a temperamental gadget. You know what I mean - first, it's melting your pants; next, rusty water is staining your white blouse; later, it isn't getting creases out because it's not hot enough and you have to go over and over the same spot with no results. No thank you, that's one part of hell I need not visit.
  • a germ-phobe so I will spray Lysol when needed but need someone else to deal with the big messes. They must be cleaned up before my husband comes home, otherwise he might use the offending items to try and kill me.
  • musical. I love to sing and am half-decent on the piano. Expect to hear songs for every activity known to (wo)man. The sooner you learn them, the better. Someone has to keep the songs clean. I improvise when I can't remember the words which leads into the next point...
  • blunt and drop f-bombs like nobody's business. The silver lining is that I am not passive-aggressive so disagreements are settled quickly and put behind me, and our kids will master the use of special four-letter words at an early age and be so bored of using them by the time they go to school, they will use their sharp wits to insult people instead.
I am seeking a Twisted Sister Wife with the following qualities:
  • great twisted sense of humour
  • morning person
  • neat freak
  • ironing pro
  • able to stay calm during Rocky Horror Diaper Shows or other disgustingness
  • tolerant of sarcasm and swearing but headstrong enough to reprimand me when I overdo it around the kids
  • must love children (but not in a Michael Jackson sort of way).
If you think we would make a good match, please respond below with examples of your Twisted Sister Wife attributes.


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