November 2, 2011

Help Me! My Kids Have Put Me Under House Arrest!

If you are reading this message, it means the monsters haven't cut off the internet yet, my last link with the outside world. They've taken away almost everything else I cherish: my free time, sanity, private bathroom breaks, baths, play dates, and time outside the home.


M and Em have imposed Homebody Rule and devised several means to enforce it:
  • They keep getting sick on purpose so we can continue to have exclusive parties for three. They excel in picking up exotic ailments such as scarlet fever, chickenpox and ringworm to guarantee a long-term quarantine. Who wants to come over when a kid's just had scarlet fever? (If you just raised your hand, you can be my new best friend. I'm losing friends because I never see anyone.)
  • Em has decided she's too good to sleep in the car or stroller, only her posh crib with organic mattress will do. 
  • The little divas have mastered the ability to stagger their sleep times. By alternating nap times, it is next to impossible to meet anyone for play dates or go out period. Our going-out time is limited to two one-hour time slots. They know as well as I do that it is too much work to get ready to go out for such a short period of time so it is unlikely we will go out more than once, if at all, and if we do, we won't get far. 
  • If I attempt to stay out past one of the girls' naptimes, she will shriek and howl like a banshee, make conversation and rational thought impossible, and be a total pain in the ass until it's clear we are headed straight home. Their flawless tactic works better than any house arrest ankle bracelet.
As if being stuck at home weren't enough, my responsibilities are many and my rights are few:
  • The girls must be fed what they want, when they want and as much as they want. I can eat, but not when I want or as much as I want.
  • The girls must be changed/taken to the potty every two hours. I can go to the washroom every four or five hours, but must keep the door open and be chaperoned.
  • The girls must be bathed every day. I cannot take a bath ever, but a 5-minute shower every other day is permitted.
  • The girls' clothes must be changed after every meal. I can change out of my pajamas after lunch if, and only if, we are going out. Otherwise there are much better uses of my time such as cleaning the girls' bedrooms and playroom, putting on dancing music, setting up craft/play dough stations, etc.
Is Homebody Rule in effect in your home? If so, how do you deal with it without losing your mind?

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