Oct 13, 2011

The Kegel Mantra

I had no idea what kegel exercises were until I was in my mid 20s and even once I knew about them, I didn't do them often. I figured why work out your pelvic floor 24/7 and have nothing to show for it, when you could be doing lunges and squats and sculpting an ass that would make J. Lo jealous?

It wasn't until I got pregnant, that I took up Kegelism and learned the Kegel mantra. My family doctor reminded me every visit to "Kegel, kegel, kegel", my doctor friend facebooked me urging me to "Kegel, kegel, kegel" and yet another friend offered to buy me Ben Wa balls to make the notorious exercises more pleasurable so I would take them up with gusto. Little did she know I would become addicted to vacuuming while kegelling (try it, you'll become a devout Kegelist too).

Why must one do these invisible exercises? If you strengthen your inner cooch muscles - what's up and beyond the lady bacon let's just say - labour will be a breeze, you'll be able to shoot that baby out like a lunatic from a cannon at a county fair; you won't pee when you cough, sneeze or laugh at ridiculous blog posts; and you'll enjoy sex more because you won't have a big vagina, or tunnel between your legs as one of my bxtches elegantly calls the post-partum vag.

Now a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. If you go to a comedy show and the main act starts talking about the differences between what men and women want - women want a man with a big dick, no man wants a woman with a big vagina - and asks, "What are those exercises women do to tighten their vaginas?", do NOT answer him! Half in the bag and feeling oh so clever, I loudly and proudly called out, "Kegel exercises!" along with a few other women in the crowd. He rapidly rallied, "There are the big vagina girls." How I wish I could remember the offensive comic's name so I could bombard him with hate mail.

In closing, Kegelism is the best secret to share with friends. The rituals are simple (and fun!), the benefits are many and no one is going to hell. Are you ready to convert?

4 comments:

Love me some Kegels, I haven't been able to stop at a stoplight without smiling since. Thinking I might add vacuuming Kegels to my workout. Thanks for the heads up!

Stoplights are a great place to practice the faith. ; )

I practice Sex Kegles. Hubby adores it.

Just sayin...

Well those are the most fun! Why didn't I write about those?! : )

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