October 3, 2011

Em's Plan to be Boss #1

Everyone thinks I'm cute, adorable and innocent but I'm no spring chicken (I'm 7 months old now!) and I have a plan - shh, don't tell anyone - to be Boss #1. I don't think it'll be that tough. After all, Mommy and Daddy are already at my beck and call. When I cry, they drop everything to appease me. How did I work this magic? Well you see, I developed an algorithm that tells me how often and long to cry to get the desired response. Yes, I am a little genius in a drooling miniature human's body. No other baby can get her parents to do what mine do! They dote on me, never get mad at me and jerk off over all the new things I'm learning to do and even things that are old like cooing, crawling and laughing. It's like taking candy from a baby, whatever that means! (I can't even eat candy, so of course it would be easy to take away.)

The wild card in my plan is my illogical sister, M. It seems that she's upset with me for the simple act of being born, but that makes no sense at all! If she wants to be mad at someone over that, she should be pissed at Daddy for knocking Mommy up. Of course I'm old enough to understand how that happens, silly, Daddy was knocking on my door the whole time I was in Mommy's tummy! Anyways, back to my master plan. Pulling the cute card doesn't work with M, she just snatches my toys or hits me (again, illogical behaviour but my research says this is to be expected of a two year old), but that doesn't mean my efforts are in vain. I get cuddled, M gets a time-out and my seniority in the hierarchy is maintained.

The other options, less desirable especially since I don't have goons for hire and have to do the dirty work myself, are bribery and extortion. Unfortunately I am too small to give her everything she wants (and her wants are many) and too small to be threatening.

By process of elimination, I've decided that if I can't get her cooperation, I will just have to take her out.  Based on my calculations, if I keep growing at my current rate, I will catch up to my sister, that lightweight, in 9.2 months. Then and only then, sweet revenge will be mine. No longer will she be able to knock me over and bruise my noggin'. I will be able to hold my ground and later, when I'm bigger than her, push back. In the meantime, I will keep looking cute and playing dumb.

Look out, everyone! Mommy may be the current Boss #1 title-holder, but not for long.


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