You know those people you rarely see - and don't really like, let's be honest, that's why you don't hang out with them - but you feel obligated to go to their wedding showers (yawn), staggettes (didn't know she could slum it like that), weddings (cheap bitch, no open bar), and then the worst of all, fucking boring baby showers (party for presents with no open bar)?
Carrie Bradshaw and the gang call them Frenemies, would go to the parties looking marvelous and toting fantastic gifts, but frantically bitch nonstop all the way there, at the party and afterwards. If I don't want to go, I just don't, but I realize that's unconscionable to most. "We went to school together from Kindergarten 'til 11th grade!" Then what happened? Did she become a crack addict and drop out? Did she turn into a slut and not have time for you cos she was banging too many boys? Forget about that crack-smoking whore, please! But if you really must go to the stupid shower, talk to people you don't know or care about, find out how big Mommy's tummy is and taste disgusting crap in a can (
barf beef and vegetables baby food, anyone?), here is a killer list of seemingly innocuous baby items that will later wreak havoc on the bitch. Trust me, I've received this crap. Guess some people hated me.
Baby Gifts for Frenemies
- Tight-fitting items of clothing that need to be pulled over baby's head: Clothes that have to go over the head (sleepers with snaps only on the legs, fooler suits, narrow overalls with no side snaps) and are hard to remove are not a parent or baby's friend when baby's bowels burst. Shit will be everywhere and the word will be spewing from her mouth. If you the cutest outfit ever, there's a very good chance she'll be dealing with a Rocky Horror Poop Show in public! If you can stand to be around the bitch one more time, invite her out so you can witness the horror. Be sure to ask her if that outfit you gave baby still fits (she'll take the hint).
- Gender-neutral items of clothing even though you know what she's expecting. This stuff is always pale yellow, pukey green or brown. It's just fugly (you know, fuckin ugly). No more explanation needed, but if you are buying clothes, I recommend going with point #1 rather than this one. Imagining the outcome of #1 is so much more fun than picturing ugly clothes in a donation bin.
- Bibs with velcro closures: Velcro is cool if you're mentally handicapped and can't tie your shoelaces, but in your washing machine, it is pure evil. When your frenemy is doing the 104th load of laundry of the week, she will not think to sort and separate said evil bib and I can bet you almost anything that the fucking bib will attach itself to her favorite shirt, panties, or sweater. Since velcro is a non-negotiating hostage taker, the only thing she'll be able to do is rip the items apart and pray for minimal damage in an inconspicuous spot. Of course this shit always happens to brand new $29 Victoria's Secret panties and delicate $80 tank tops, not to Old Navy tees or Fruit of the Loom undies. Again, velcro is evil.
- A Gourmet Cookbook. Get one with beautiful pictures to pain her all the more when she's tired, hungry and has no food in the house because she hasn't had time to grocery shop in weeks.
- Baby shoes that are impossible to put on. She will already be feeling exhausted and inept and these two cute shoes will be the end of her when she's running late for a play date and trying to get her kid dressed. She picked the outfit to match the shoes (hopefully-your-hard-to-remove-poop-inviting-outfit) and now has to change baby's clothes and has thrown the shoes against the wall and is cussing rabidly. Hightops with laces are awesome.
What's the worst baby shower gift you ever got?