I was going to wax ecstatic about how wonderful my family is, but figured you're not here to listen to mushy shit like that, so instead, here's my sarcastic gratitude list. Anyone with kids should be able to relate.
I am thankful that:
- Em wakes up a few times a night. The exhaustion gives me an excuse to not work out.
- M no longer shits her pants (she's been toilet trained for two months!). The pee diapers I could deal with but scraping shit off her ass was getting to be too much.
- I look too haggard (most days) to be hit on, so I don't have to deal with attention from attractive men that might tempt me to do something bad.
- My kids will not let me leave them with anyone. I save loads of money on babysitting.
- I put on a few pounds and finally grew boobs. Supposedly I went through puberty but my chest missed the memo.
- I have even more reasons to wash my hands. I do not have OCD, I do not have OCD, I do not have OCD.
- I no longer have any excuse to wear nice clothes so I don't have to argue with the drycleaner about ruined clothes and invalid coupons.
- Em is still breast-feeding and I can't drink alcohol until she's down for her longest stretch of sleep. Baby + Toddler + Not Working Mom + No need to avoid alcohol = Mom Drinking All Day (aka Alcoholic)
- I can go out in dirty clothes and blame my kids. Yes, I know there's something on my shirt. Em must have spat up on me. Funny how baby food looks a lot like Nutella, eh?
- My husband isn't like me. God, if we were exactly alike, we would be divorced by now.