September 18, 2011

Shit My Mom Said

My earliest memory of being mercilessly ridiculed at school happened early - when I was in kindergarten. The reason I was the laughingstock? A ridiculous made-up story. The kids called bullshit, as could be expected, but the sad part was that the story wasn't even made up by me. My mom had told me this thing about bananas and I felt obliged to enlighten my classmates. To make things worse, when I was met with skepticism, I vehemently cried, "It's true because my mom told me and she's the smartest person in the whole world!" Oh my fucking god... Step away from the Mom Altar, right?  But what four and a half year old doesn't worship her parents? Of course I thought everything my mom said was true - she knew it, enjoyed it and took some liberties not realizing how gullible I was. (This is my wisdom with age speaking. I went through a phase in my 20s thinking she did that when I was little because she was an egomaniac.)

Since inquiring minds wants to know, here is the critical piece of wisdom my mom imparted to me, aged 4, while eating a banana one day:

Don't eat those strings. Those are the banana's poo. You don't want to eat poo, do you?
After the shocking revelation that mom didn't know everything, I started to question her explanations and even those of my teacher (my kindergarten teacher hated me but that's another story). In some ways, this was a good thing, but in my mission to dispel lies, I ruined Christmas for my little sister. I think she was three or four years old when I told her that Santa Claus wasn't real. She's still upset about this but it's not like I did it out of spite.

As I got older, if I was unsure about something my mom said, I just uh-huh'd her. Rather than crowing the gospel truth according to my mom, I would add a disclaimer like, "Mom mom says.... but she might be full of shit." If it seemed like random nonsense, my friends would just laugh and tell me that the shit my mom said was hilarious.

These days, it's easy to "Google it" or check the Snopes website and call bullshit. I will teach M & Em to use those tools too when they're old enough and in the meantime, watch my words and balance carefully on the Mom Altar.

What's the craziest shit your mom said when you were little?

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