10 July 2011

Pooches and Pussy Cozies

Three months after giving birth, you're getting into the swing of things. Not only have you made it through (almost) 6 weeks of celibacy recovery and the peak crying period (baby's and yours), baby's starting to sleep for longer stretches, you're feeling more like a human and less like a zombie milk machine, and you may even be shedding pounds. The unfortunate part of losing weight after baby is that your already saggy belly becomes even more so when it isn't supported by rolls of fat. It's a huge injustice, is it not? You take care of yourself, start losing the baby weight but are stuck with elephant skin around your middle (not to mention spider veins and dreaded cellulite). I believe it's Mother Nature's cruel method of birth control - keep the female sex looking nasty for a while so males won't want to get with them. Mother N, that doesn't work; don't you know anything? Even morbidly obese women who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down can still get laid so give me back my smooth, flat stomach! You can rub all sorts of creams, oils and salves on your belly but depending on your genetics and how many kids you've had, it can be damn difficult to eliminate the pooch. My belly shrunk nicely after M, but is not cooperating after round 2. For the first time in my life I'm sporting a muffin top. : ( Anyone want a piece of banana-nut muffin? Looks like time or a tummy tuck are the only solutions.

As if Mother N hasn't had enough fun at your expense, she pulls out your hair. This is not a fair cat-fight! The insidious process begins with losing a few hairs, then a bunch more each day, until you are losing handfuls of your crowning glory every time you touch it. You wash your hair and clog the drain, you brush your hair and have to stop so you'll have something left to style, you toss your once-lustrous locks and have to sweep the floor. Depressing? Not anymore! Think about it this way - hair loss helps weight loss. I've lost 2.4 pounds in hair alone already! Plus, you can finance your tummy tuck working from home using your very own sheddings.

Check out Today's Deals from Hairy Lounge:

Hairy Lounge
Hairy Lounge's unique products are made from all-natural, undyed, semi-organic human hair. No humans have been harmed in the making of these products. Items are hypoallergenic provided the purchaser is not allergic to humans. Please note that variations in colour are normal and part of the objects' charm as the raw materials have not been chemically processed. Quantities are limited, so please place your order soon. To personalize your purchase, please provide details in the comments when you check out.


Doll Toupee
Is it time for your kid's baby doll to grow up? Turn your baby doll into a toddler doll by adding the doll toupee. Do the environment and your pocketbook a favour when you buy this hairpiece. Different hair styles available: bob (shown), braids, or ponytail. Double-sided tape included.



Signature HL Bow
Adorn a dress, purse or gift with a signature Hairy Lounge bow. Not only is it eco-friendly and chic, it is a great conversation starter. Available in Small (1"), Medium (2.5") or Large (4"). Please specify whether you will need an adhesive or iron-on attachment.


Mop Top Finger Puppet
The Mop Top Hairy Monster gives whiskery kisses just like Daddy. Children will love the look and feel of this adorable finger puppet.  Non toxic and recommended for ages 2 and up.


Bangle
One of a kind. Who needs overpriced Anthropologie accessories when you can get original crafts(wo)manship like this? One size fits most. Colour: ebony. Optional add-ons: rhinestones, beads.


Pussy Cozy
Hairy Lounge's Best Seller! After a trip down south, has your Brazilian wax left your southern zone chilly? Don't get out the granny panties, get yourself a Pussy Cozy! The Pussy Cozy is a removable hairpiece for your nether-region that can be dressed up or down. Go plain for everyday use or add rhinestones for a night on the town (or night in bed!). Comes with a free Vajazzler and assorted rhinestones.


Happy Shopping! Oh and don't be shy - I would love to hear your uses for sheddings.

P.S. Yes, my husband is a little worried about me now that he's read my blog.

2 comments:

I didn't realize you were so poetic and such a marketer! Remind me not to be in business with you. The finger puppet and toupee made me tear in laughter. Your husband has a reason to worry. Keep it coming!

Just think how we could market your photography business! C'mon, it could be fun! But you might not get the clientele you were planning on getting... ; p Glad you enjoyed the post and pics!

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