June 30, 2011

Suzy? Sorry, she doesn’t live here

If cleanliness is next to godliness, I must definitely be on the Road to Hell. Admittedly, I have never been a neat freak, but in my kid-less days, I always kept my home – ok, ok, crappy rental unit – respectfully tidy and clean. Yes, there may have been clothes carpeting my bedroom but the other 200 square feet of crappy condo were clutter-free and sterile. I am a germ-phobe so when you were praying to the porcelain god and your hair went in the toilet and then in your mouth, you were ok cos I sanitized that bowl before you came over drunk - very, very drunk - and destroyed my bathroom. I always disinfected the kitchen, bathroom, door knobs and light switches, etc. with Lysol or a bleach solution. Then I had to watch a stupid CSI episode that made me feel like a creep for keeping bleach in my house. Apparently if you hack someone to pieces in your bathtub, you can cover it up by pouring bleach down your drain. I use more vinegar and coconut-based cleaners now, but I digress…

What changed? I got married, hubby and I moved to the ‘burbs and acquired 2600 square feet of house, then we spawned two tswarpers in Gap Kids’ clothing. What the heck’s a tswarper, you say? My munchkins possess the ability to warp time and space so you have none. What used to be counter space is a wasteland of things-that-have-fallen-on-the-floor-and-need-to-be-cleaned, things-little-people-can’t-touch, things-little-people-can’t-eat, and things-big-people-can’t-seem-to-put-in-the dishwasher-or-trashbin. Little people being my children, not vertically challenged people and big people actually being one big person, not me.

What used to be an austere, minimalist living space has turned into a Toys R Us showroom/cafeteria. Since it’s play time and snack time all the time (not enough nap time in my house), is there really any point in putting away the toys? Or washing the table? Or sweeping the floor? Then heaven forbid, mopping it? Once a day is manageable but Suzy Homemaker cleans constantly until everything’s in its place and every surface shines. Suzy, you’re a fuckin’ tard. Live a little! I have to admit, I am a bit slothful – told ya, on the Road to Hell – I would rather play outside with my family or mess around on the internet than do housework. But I have a solid alibi, even if I wanted to clean, the tswarpers steal hours of sleep and free time from me each day.

While the tswarpers are immune to reason (and too young to really help… my oldest “helps” sweep by spreading the dirt around), I am not immune to the chaos and feel guilty that I’m such an anti-Suzy, so I asked some Mommy friends how they do it. Many are like me and are whipped into a cleaning frenzy when company comes, others are fortunate to have extended family help with the kids, cooking or cleaning – nothing new here – some have awesome non-clingy kids that let them work unfettered, but most amazing was the admission of guilt from the so-thought Suzy’s that they are living a lie! The Mommies with the spotless homes we envy have cleaning fairies! Expensive? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely. So I decided to gather an arsenal of compelling arguments to convince my husband that we must get our own cleaning fairy. This is what I have so far; don’t judge us: 
  1.  If someone else did the dusting, floors and bathrooms, I might be able to do the laundry at a decent hour and you might get sex.
  2. If I didn’t have to scrape oatmeal and yogurt and God-knows-what-else off the table, floor and walls at midnight, you might get not get woken up and bitched at.
  3. Marital counseling due to my bitchiness (due to lack of sleep and sex) will be more expensive than a cleaning lady in the long run.

Can you help me add to the list? I’d love to hear your points or how you manage (gasp) without a bibbidy-bobbidy-boo.


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