June 25, 2011

If you don't have something nice to say...

...shut your hole! Why is it that when you're pregnant or a new mom, people feel entitled to making comments about your body? It has somehow become socially acceptable to yammer on about someone's size and shape simply because she is pregnant or has recently given birth. No one would talk about my belly or vagina if I weren't with child - in fact it would be deemed extremely rude to speak about such things! I've discovered there are three categories of untoward comments targeting pregnant women and new moms:

1. Bump Watch

It's amazing to see a baby bump grow. First there's a barely noticeable pooch, then what looks like a little beer belly, then one day your belly pops and suddenly you look pregnant, not fat, and the world smiles with you. Yeah fucking right. With my first pregnancy, I was constantly reminded of how huge I was, by friends, family and strangers. What should have been a happy time - in between puking and sleeping under my desk at lunch - was marred by rudeness. I didn't let it consume me, but it pissed me off to no end. With my second pregnancy, everyone commented on how small I was. Ironically, I gained exactly the same amount of weight (25 lbs) in both pregnancies so it just goes to show that people don't know anything, are full of shit, and shouldn't be taken seriously. If someone comments on your size and you want to give her pause, simply look the offender in the eyes and say, with a big smile, "And look at you! You have gotten sooo big too!!"


2. Vagina Monologues


Questions to expect when expecting:
So I guess you're not getting any, huh? (every time you're caught eating chocolate)
Are you getting good mileage on your vibrator? (followed by jokes about your hubby's blue balls)

Questions to expect after the baby's birth:
Did you tear at all? No? So that means your husband could have a 6 pound penis? Maybe you should work in Thailand in the sex shows! You could shoot watermelons outta your pussy!

Unfortunately these are actually a few random things friends and family have said to me. First of all, don't try to one-up your preggo friends by making as if you're having sex and they're not. Have you heard of raging hormones? And the kinkiness of doing it with a pregnant woman? But really people, my sex life and sex organs are my business and no one else's... except for my husband's... sometimes... but just to set the record straight, my post-partum kooch is neither a tunnel nor featured in Patpong sex shows.


3. Weight Watchers

Bitch 1: You don't need to sleep when baby sleeps. Why don't you put on an exercise video or something?
My inside voice: Shut your fucking hole. I've only slept 9 hours in the past 2 days so I think I know better than you if I need sleep or not and the person that really needs to work out is you. You have cellulite and your weight goes up and down every time I see you and you haven't even had a kid so what's your goddamn excuse for looking like that?

Bitch 2: Well you aren't fat, but you're definitely the biggest I've ever seen you.
My inside voice: You aren't fit, smart or young but I don't tell you that to your face, do I? That's the difference between being a fucking bitch and a decent human being!

And the bitch quotes above are also real. Clearly a nerve, or ten, or a hundred and one have been triggered here. There is never a good time to tell someone you think she's big, ok? Let me repeat that: There is never a good time to tell someone she's big - unless you want to feel pain, a whole lot of pain.

The correct thing to say to any expecting or new mom is, "You look great!" Mommies, embrace the new you no matter where you are in the motherhood journey, and give your baby a big hug and kiss while you're at it. Til next time!

2 comments:

All so true & annoying!! Someone here in Quebec asked Charles` Mom if I was pregnant again (yes, I am the heaviest I`ve ever weighed) in French... I understood that, thank you very much. How rude. It`s not that easy to get fit & slim again. WHY do people have to make such awful comments? If I knew more French I would have mentioned that her daughter is 16 years old & she`s still working on all that baby fat!! Grr... ~ Kim

Unbelievable! If it makes you feel better, you're gorgeous with or without the baby weight and I'm not just saying that. : )

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