Pooches and Pussy Cozies

Mother Nature doesn't play fair but you can make the most of your postpartum hair loss.

Satan Sent Me Spam (or My DVD Player Just Hates Me

Satan's work or Dora the Explorer's?

You're Not In The Boom Boom Room Anymore

Has your bedroom lost its sexy since baby moved in? You're not alone.

I Nominate Myself For The Worst Mommy Blogger Ever

Not your typical mommy blogger.

My Doctor Made Me More Depressed

Talking about depression is difficult, especially when you're talking to idiots.

June 30, 2011

Quickie - Kijiji Fail

A young gal and her boyfriend come to my place to buy maternity clothes. I answer the door and the following conversation ensues:

Me: You don't look pregnant at all! 
Her: I'm not.
Me: Oh, so you're just planning ahead?
Her: Not really, no.
Me: Oh.. Are you buying clothes for a friend?
Her: <confused look> The skirt and sweater?
Me: <click! lightbulb goes on> You probably don't want them if you aren't pregnant; they're maternity clothes!
Her: They are? Oh!

Everyone has a good laugh but holy awkward! I wish I'd captured the boyfriend's face on camera - he was shitting himself the whole time wondering if his girlfriend hadn't told him something. Priceless!

By the way I posted the items on Kijiji under Women's Maternity with 'Thyme Maternity' in the title and description, but somehow the chic missed it. Lesson learned: Don't be a silly chic - always read the ad, the whole ad, before responding!

Suzy? Sorry, she doesn’t live here

If cleanliness is next to godliness, I must definitely be on the Road to Hell. Admittedly, I have never been a neat freak, but in my kid-less days, I always kept my home – ok, ok, crappy rental unit – respectfully tidy and clean. Yes, there may have been clothes carpeting my bedroom but the other 200 square feet of crappy condo were clutter-free and sterile. I am a germ-phobe so when you were praying to the porcelain god and your hair went in the toilet and then in your mouth, you were ok cos I sanitized that bowl before you came over drunk - very, very drunk - and destroyed my bathroom. I always disinfected the kitchen, bathroom, door knobs and light switches, etc. with Lysol or a bleach solution. Then I had to watch a stupid CSI episode that made me feel like a creep for keeping bleach in my house. Apparently if you hack someone to pieces in your bathtub, you can cover it up by pouring bleach down your drain. I use more vinegar and coconut-based cleaners now, but I digress…

What changed? I got married, hubby and I moved to the ‘burbs and acquired 2600 square feet of house, then we spawned two tswarpers in Gap Kids’ clothing. What the heck’s a tswarper, you say? My munchkins possess the ability to warp time and space so you have none. What used to be counter space is a wasteland of things-that-have-fallen-on-the-floor-and-need-to-be-cleaned, things-little-people-can’t-touch, things-little-people-can’t-eat, and things-big-people-can’t-seem-to-put-in-the dishwasher-or-trashbin. Little people being my children, not vertically challenged people and big people actually being one big person, not me.

What used to be an austere, minimalist living space has turned into a Toys R Us showroom/cafeteria. Since it’s play time and snack time all the time (not enough nap time in my house), is there really any point in putting away the toys? Or washing the table? Or sweeping the floor? Then heaven forbid, mopping it? Once a day is manageable but Suzy Homemaker cleans constantly until everything’s in its place and every surface shines. Suzy, you’re a fuckin’ tard. Live a little! I have to admit, I am a bit slothful – told ya, on the Road to Hell – I would rather play outside with my family or mess around on the internet than do housework. But I have a solid alibi, even if I wanted to clean, the tswarpers steal hours of sleep and free time from me each day.

While the tswarpers are immune to reason (and too young to really help… my oldest “helps” sweep by spreading the dirt around), I am not immune to the chaos and feel guilty that I’m such an anti-Suzy, so I asked some Mommy friends how they do it. Many are like me and are whipped into a cleaning frenzy when company comes, others are fortunate to have extended family help with the kids, cooking or cleaning – nothing new here – some have awesome non-clingy kids that let them work unfettered, but most amazing was the admission of guilt from the so-thought Suzy’s that they are living a lie! The Mommies with the spotless homes we envy have cleaning fairies! Expensive? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely. So I decided to gather an arsenal of compelling arguments to convince my husband that we must get our own cleaning fairy. This is what I have so far; don’t judge us: 
  1.  If someone else did the dusting, floors and bathrooms, I might be able to do the laundry at a decent hour and you might get sex.
  2. If I didn’t have to scrape oatmeal and yogurt and God-knows-what-else off the table, floor and walls at midnight, you might get not get woken up and bitched at.
  3. Marital counseling due to my bitchiness (due to lack of sleep and sex) will be more expensive than a cleaning lady in the long run.

Can you help me add to the list? I’d love to hear your points or how you manage (gasp) without a bibbidy-bobbidy-boo.

June 25, 2011

If you don't have something nice to say...

...shut your hole! Why is it that when you're pregnant or a new mom, people feel entitled to making comments about your body? It has somehow become socially acceptable to yammer on about someone's size and shape simply because she is pregnant or has recently given birth. No one would talk about my belly or vagina if I weren't with child - in fact it would be deemed extremely rude to speak about such things! I've discovered there are three categories of untoward comments targeting pregnant women and new moms:

1. Bump Watch

It's amazing to see a baby bump grow. First there's a barely noticeable pooch, then what looks like a little beer belly, then one day your belly pops and suddenly you look pregnant, not fat, and the world smiles with you. Yeah fucking right. With my first pregnancy, I was constantly reminded of how huge I was, by friends, family and strangers. What should have been a happy time - in between puking and sleeping under my desk at lunch - was marred by rudeness. I didn't let it consume me, but it pissed me off to no end. With my second pregnancy, everyone commented on how small I was. Ironically, I gained exactly the same amount of weight (25 lbs) in both pregnancies so it just goes to show that people don't know anything, are full of shit, and shouldn't be taken seriously. If someone comments on your size and you want to give her pause, simply look the offender in the eyes and say, with a big smile, "And look at you! You have gotten sooo big too!!"

2. Vagina Monologues

Questions to expect when expecting:
So I guess you're not getting any, huh? (every time you're caught eating chocolate)
Are you getting good mileage on your vibrator? (followed by jokes about your hubby's blue balls)

Questions to expect after the baby's birth:
Did you tear at all? No? So that means your husband could have a 6 pound penis? Maybe you should work in Thailand in the sex shows! You could shoot watermelons outta your pussy!

Unfortunately these are actually a few random things friends and family have said to me. First of all, don't try to one-up your preggo friends by making as if you're having sex and they're not. Have you heard of raging hormones? And the kinkiness of doing it with a pregnant woman? But really people, my sex life and sex organs are my business and no one else's... except for my husband's... sometimes... but just to set the record straight, my post-partum kooch is neither a tunnel nor featured in Patpong sex shows.

3. Weight Watchers

Bitch 1: You don't need to sleep when baby sleeps. Why don't you put on an exercise video or something?
My inside voice: Shut your fucking hole. I've only slept 9 hours in the past 2 days so I think I know better than you if I need sleep or not and the person that really needs to work out is you. You have cellulite and your weight goes up and down every time I see you and you haven't even had a kid so what's your goddamn excuse for looking like that?

Bitch 2: Well you aren't fat, but you're definitely the biggest I've ever seen you.
My inside voice: You aren't fit, smart or young but I don't tell you that to your face, do I? That's the difference between being a fucking bitch and a decent human being!

And the bitch quotes above are also real. Clearly a nerve, or ten, or a hundred and one have been triggered here. There is never a good time to tell someone you think she's big, ok? Let me repeat that: There is never a good time to tell someone she's big - unless you want to feel pain, a whole lot of pain.

The correct thing to say to any expecting or new mom is, "You look great!" Mommies, embrace the new you no matter where you are in the motherhood journey, and give your baby a big hug and kiss while you're at it. Til next time!


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