Pooches and Pussy Cozies

Mother Nature doesn't play fair but you can make the most of your postpartum hair loss.

Satan Sent Me Spam (or My DVD Player Just Hates Me

Satan's work or Dora the Explorer's?

You're Not In The Boom Boom Room Anymore

Has your bedroom lost its sexy since baby moved in? You're not alone.

I Nominate Myself For The Worst Mommy Blogger Ever

Not your typical mommy blogger.

My Doctor Made Me More Depressed

Talking about depression is difficult, especially when you're talking to idiots.

14 April 2012

My Overdue (And Completely Irreverent) Easter Post

Disclaimer: The following post deals with my ignorance of Easter. NONE of this post is in any way meant to bash Christianity, but deeply religious folk may find the subject matter offensive.

The Naked Family celebrates all the (major) Canadian Christian holidays and observes most of the same traditions our church-going friends follow - except for the going to church part. Unfortunately, my lack of religious training often results in ridiculous comments / inquiries that come off as disrespectful. Divine intervention causes me to have epiphanies around extremely devout people, but rather than show me the light, they look at me horrified, shake their heads, and leave... WITHOUT PRAYING FOR ME. What the fuck?

Enough dithering and feeling sorry for myself (I guess I will have to pray for myself tonight). Here are some of my Easter-related blunders. If you know the answers to any of these questions, feel free to enlighten me.

Ramadan for Catholics

Naked Mommy: What the hell is Lent? Ramadan for Catholics?
Friend: Um, no.
Naked Mommy: All I know is that everyone at work gave up chocolate. I don't get what that has to do with God or how it will make the man upstairs happy.
Friend: It isn't about making God happy. It's about making a sacrifice.
Naked Mommy: Well, whatever. If people want to do right by God, they should give up pre- and extra-marital sex... not just for Lent but all the time! The same for all that other bad stuff the other Commandments tell us not to do.
Friend: Whatever. You didn't go to Sunday school, did you?
Naked Mommy: I co-taught it in Junior High!
Friend: God help the kids who were in your class.

It's Not a Born Again Party

Naked Mommy's Mom: What are you doing on Monday?
Naked Mommy: Working... aren't you?
Naked Mommy's Mom: No, it's a day off for us. Why are you working?
Naked Mommy: Because my company doesn't care about Jesus. If Christmas is Jesus' birthday and we get a week off, and Easter is Jesus' born-again party, shouldn't we get the whole week off? I mean, it's kind of a big deal!
Naked Mommy's Mom: Well, they could at least give you Easter Monday off.
Naked Mommy: To be respectful. At the very least.

Turkey and Jesus, don't ask
Another Friend: Are you making a turkey for Easter?
Naked Mommy: No, I hate turkey. Plus, it's so Thanksgiving.
Another Friend: And Christmas.
Naked Mommy: Yeah. We hosted Christmas last year though so we didn't have to have turkey; we had beef tenderloin instead.
Another Friend: That sounds good! But don't you feel that turkey is more traditional? It just doesn't seem right to not have turkey at the holidays.
Naked Mommy: Because Jesus died so we could eat turkey.
Another Friend: <no words>

This year, since I am obviously unqualified to even ask questions about Easter let alone answer them, I told Naked Baby and Naked Girl the big, fat lie about the Easter Bunny, had an Easter Egg hunt, and cooked a ham. We had a Happy Easter, how about you?

Love,
Naked Mommy

17 March 2012

Adventures in Transit, Alligator Riding, and Highchair Wars


After some time off, I've linked up once again with The Mommyhood Chronicles for Saturday's Top Five Laughs. After you've read mine, go visit Mel at the Mommyhood Chronicles for more funnies
  1. Adventures on Transit, Part 1: Yesterday, getting onto the train was like entering the Twilight Zone. First of all, the car was half empty - completely bizarre for rush hour, even on a Friday. I soon discovered the reason: the other end of the car was populated by half a dozen smelly and completely intoxicated homeless guys. Since they didn't seem to be causing any trouble, I stayed in the car, but stayed near the door just in case. Moments later, there was shouting from the other end of the car at about the same time sirens came screaming down the street. Turns out, the homeless dudes' buddy had overdone it (drugs, alcohol, I'm not sure which), had passed out on a bench across the tracks from us and was being checked out by police and the fire truck and ambulance were on their way. The man came to, thankfully, so his friends promptly clapped and slapped each other on the back. They then did their civic duty and announced to everyone, "And that's why you don't do crack." I dunno... maybe you had to be there. I found it pretty funny. 
  2. Adventures on Transit, Part 2: Same day, two stops down the line, I'm shaken from my reverie by pounding on the window. A young, well-dressed man was banging on the window inches from my head, shouting and making kissy faces. Not sure if it was mistaken identity, a dare, or the new way 20 year olds hit on stick my tongue out at him, but instead, I made a "Who, Me?" gesture, shook my head, then pointed at the very gay looking (and asleep) guy beside me and gave the thumbs up. The Outside Dude was like, "No way!" and the train pulled away.
  3. Adventures on Transit, Part 3: Same day, 3 stops down the line, I look up to see an Asian man in his 50s wearing a black ball cap with "Three Some Thursdays" printed on it in white block letters. I don't think he spoke English...
  4. High Chair Wars: Naked Baby has had enough of being the little one being picked on all the time, so she instigates crap with her sister. At dinner the other night, she tried to grab Naked Girl's fork. She would reach over as far to the left as she could, while sweeping her hand across Naked Girl's tray, then abruptly pull away as far to the right as she could so Naked Girl couldn't smack her. She did this several times - we were watching and laughing, parent fail award, I know - until we pulled their high chairs further apart. The whole time Naked Baby had an evil grin on her face. Poor Naked Girl was pissed off. Naked Baby also has a feisty way of telling you she's done eating. Rather than say "All done" like her sister did at the same age, she will angrily hurl food and dishes on the floor. It isn't enough to throw what she has, either. We've made the mistake of offering her something else when she does this (thinking she doesn't like her food), and she will grab the spoon from you and throw it on the floor. Same goes for sippy cups. Thank goodness for Corelle and plastic dishes!
  5. Naked Girl-isms: Naked Girl has an amazing vocabulary for her age and can tell you lengthy stories with perfect grammar, but still like any toddler, has words that don't come out right, or uses the wrong word for certain things. We aren't too strict on correcting her 'cause it's so darn cute! Our favorites as of late are: "What's yogurt (Gilbert, Caillou's cat) doing, Mommy?", "Can I make baby's hair like a porcukine (porcupine)?", and "Can we ride in the alligator (elevator)?" I think we're going to officially re-name elevators in our family. Alligator riding sounds so much more exciting!
Have you had any adventures on public transit lately?

07 March 2012

The road to quality, affordable childcare

Our recent search for childcare led us down a few different roads. At first, we looked for a nanny, because that's the economical and convenient thing to do when you have two or more kids, but that was a dead end (lots of sluts, illegal immigrants, and smokers). Next, we looked for dayhomes or daycares with preschool programs, but soon learned that they were so fucking expensive we'd have to take out a second mortgage and sell our stroller collection just so the kids can learn a little French, play (don't they do this at all dahyhomes?) and do crafts (ditto the last comment). Why hand someone else my paycheque when I can teach the girls a second language myself? Pottymouth is a useful language... in certain parts of town... After some number crunching and intense debating, we decided we could take a sweet vacation or enrol the girls in a shitload of classes - music, dance, sports, whatever - for the difference in cost between the bilingual academy and a regular dayhome. I still feel pangs of regret, but feel it was the right choice to avoid that detour (to certain financial hardship).

Pottymouth Shorthand
While I was cruising through dozens of dayhome ads, one in particular caught my eye: Dayhome in ______ Mobile Park. Shaking my head in disbelief, I asked Naked Daddy, "Isn't it our job to keep the girls off the pole and out of the trailer park?!" I couldn't help thinking the worst: I pictured an alcoholic, chain-smoking biker chic with yellowed fingers and a raspy voice directing toddlers to put more wood in the wood chopper (don't ask why she has a wood chopper when most trailers have gas fireplaces, it's my nightmare); a lanky man reeking of B.O. and wearing a stained wife-beater and tighty whiteys asking Junior for a lighter and a spoon; teenage hoodlums breaking and entering and playing soccer with the babies; and a meth lab blowing up and wreaking death and destruction on the whole park. And then I got off my high horse and remembered that my family had had lived in a trailer before (long story, but it was for one year on a farm) and none of us were thieves, drug addicts, alcoholics, or even smokers.
Good place for a dayhome?
In the end, I convinced myself it was a very good idea to go back to work and let the girls learn proper English (i.e. not Pottymouth) in someone else's home, albeit not the mobile park dayhome (it was too far from our place and she didn't have a fenced yard), so we can afford fun outings on the weekend. Getting to that decision took a while and finding the right dayhome took another week and a half, but the ride was worthwhile. Now we won't say, "What if?" because we know we're getting good value for what we're paying. Our girls love their caregiver and the other kids in her care, they are fed healthy meals and snacks, and are engaged in a variety of age-appropriate activities throughout the day including some preschool routines.

If money was no object, what would your dream childcare arrangement look like? Would you even need childcare or would you still want to work? I would love to volunteer part-time and put my kids in an enriched (music, French/Spanish, gymnastics) part-time program if I won the lottery. 

01 March 2012

The Onion Chronicles

I have a love-hate relationship with onions. Ever since I was a child, I couldn't stand them - cooked, raw, or deep-fried; they were all bad. As I matured, I came to appreciate French onion soup and how onions had flavor to soups, stews and sauces, but I still will not eat them if they can be distinguished from other ingredients in a dish. If I see a hint of onion, I will go on a search and pick the onion pieces out one by one and leave them in a little heap on the side of my plate. This said, I resent risking my digits to chop onions, but I still do it... with a lot of complaining. My Facebook friends have heard the following rants before and now you can too.

Damn onion
January 26, 2012 Facebook entry


Me (chopping onions): We need an onion chopper.
Naked Daddy: Because you really need another kitchen gadget.
Me: I hate chopping onions and I have to do it all the time, like for every dinner. It hurts my eyes! And I cut my fingers! Because the onions are round.. and hard to cut.
Naked Daddy: Yeah, I'm sure people all over the world are dying from it too.
Me: Probably! From tetanus!! You'll wish we got the fucking onion chopper when I'm dead on the floor and the food tastes like shit because there's no onion in it!
Naked Daddy: (silence)

I WIN, YOU LOSE. YEAH BABY!!!





February 1, 2012 Facebook entry


Dear Costco,

Thank you for cutting the bagels in half. It's nice to know that someone understands the risk involved in cutting them (as well as how much it fucking hurts to slice fingers and how long it takes for the fucking gimp fingers to fucking heal when you wash your hands 94 times a day).

Sincerely,
Naked Mommy

PS When are you gonna start carrying onion choppers?





February 2, 2012 Facebook entry


Well, my fingers survived making dinner but my eyes are still burning. Someone told me to chop onions under running water, but I don't get how that works if you want to preserve digits... I still want the onion chopper.


And then my friend recommended this:




I think we've got a wiiiiiner!


What is your most hated kitchen task?

27 February 2012

The Floor Food Movement

Are you tired of picking your kids' food up off the floor? 
Does throwing perfectly good food in the garbage make you sick? 

If you answered yes to either of these questions, then I have 
the solution you've been waiting for:

Floor Food



What Is It?
Floor food is comprised of bits of food that have intentionally or accidentally ended up on the floor. Although food in the general sense includes liquids such as soup, floor food is mostly solid food due to the nature of the eating surface. Soft foods such as yogurt or gravy may also be considered floor food, however care must be taken not to leave these foods uneaten for too long or vigorous scraping may be required to get the food off the floor when you need to eat it. (It is important to note that some consumers of Floor Food have informed me that they greatly enjoy making their own yogurt leather.)

Floor Food. Don't throw it out!

How Do You Eat Floor Food?
The beauty of floor food is that it is the truest form of casual dining. You may eat it directly off the floor with or without utensils. Some very young folk may even eat it hands-free not unlike a dog.

Eating Floor Food With Hands
Hands-Free Floor Food Eating

What Are The Advantages Of Floor Food?
  1. No waste: No longer do you need to waste precious dollars' worth of food each meal. All scraps, leftovers, and "droppage" can be eaten later in the day.
  2. Increased immunity: It is well-documented that children who grow up in too clean of an environment have weak immune systems. Eating off the floor and disavowing the 3-second rule ensures your children get the best possible start in life.
  3. Better quality of life due to the following: 
    • Less time spent cleaning. Look at this way: The average toddler eats 6 times a day (every two hours). Sweeping the floor 6 times a day takes about 20 minutes. That comes out to 121.7 hours per year, over 5 days of your life. When you factor in the reduction in dishes needing to be washed, Floor Food gives you back several days of your life! Proponents of Maid-less Living across North America support the Floor Food Movement as it significantly reduces the need for housework.
    • Less time spent cooking. If you are a stay-at-home parent with two children, eating Floor Food eliminates the need to cook dinner. Enjoy the fruits of your earlier labor and relax in the evening! 
    • More quality time with your loved ones. Rather than spending half of every mealtime disciplining your kids, let them chuck food off their trays without abandon and then enjoy an evening picnic on the floor. After all, didn't your pediatrician advise you to get down to your kids' level to bond with them?
    • Better relationship with your partner. Most couples fight about money, chores and child discipline. By reducing housework, grocery expenses and discipline, you are able to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.
How Does It Work?

A family of four* can expect to eat one meal of Floor Food a day (usually dinner) by observing the following rules:
  1. Allow your kids to throw/drop food on the floor. 
  2. Do not sweep or mop the kitchen floor until the last meal of the day has been eaten.
  3. If there is very little food droppage in your home, add table scraps and leftovers to the Floor Food. This will provide volume and variety. 
Add table scraps to Floor Food
*Smaller families can still benefit from Floor Food by eating it for snacks or purchasing Supplemental Floor Food. Please contact me for a price list.
    Bon Appetit!


    Participants Needed


    Would you like to drastically reduce your grocery bill, increase your quality of life, improve your marriage, and boost your immune system? Contact me today for a free* Floor Food Starter Kit (retail value: $29.95). The Floor Food Starter Kit includes 4 floor cushions, 4 scrapers and 4 sweepers. Order today and I will include recipes for yogurt leather, cookie popcorn balls, and veggie-Cheerio patties.

    *testimonial required to refund credit card charge

    16 February 2012

    Is there a doctor on the bus?

    Here is an argument I just had with Naked Girl. Parent Fail #249 (for this week, but who's counting?)





    Naked Girl: (singing) The doctor on the bus goes 'Move on back', 'move on back', 'move on back'. The doctor on the bus goes 'Move on back', all day long.
    Me: Good job, sweetie! I love to hear you sing! Should we sing it again?


    Singing together 


    Me: The driver on the bus goes 'Move on back', 'move on back', 'move on back'.
    Naked Girl: The doctor on the bus goes 'Move on back', 'move on back', 'move on back'.

    Naked Girl: No, Mommy. The doctor goes move on back!
    Me: Are you sure? I think it's the driver.
    Naked Girl: No! It's doctor! Driver doesn't say move on back.
    Me: The driver drives the bus and tells the passengers to move back. The doctor makes too much money to take the bus and doesn't give a crap about the environment, so he drives his car to work. He isn't even on the bus.
    Naked Girl: Crap?
    Me: Crap is poo.
    Naked Girl: Crap is on the bus and doctor isn't on the bus?
    Me: You've got it. Except the first part. Forget about the crap.
    Naked Girl: Ok.... Mommy, can we sing something else now?

    I realize I need to work on my explanations... you think I'd be better at explaining what people do for a living considering I'm a human resources communications professional.



    12 February 2012

    Ding Dong! Can I Help You?

    I like to think I'm less passive-aggressive than I used to be, but my mind still races with mischievous schemes when someone pisses me off. The difference 20 years makes, is that instead of enacting my evil plans, I simply share them with whoever will listen and have a good belly laugh (or, as is more often the case, laugh maniacally to myself).

    Lately I've been annoyed with so many people that I haven't had time to plot against them all; however, there's one person I'd love to pull a prank on: my mother-in-law (MIL). Every time MIL comes over, she makes a point of snooping through all the kitchen cupboards. I ask her if she needs help or if she's looking for anything in particular and she always answers brightly, "No, no, just looking!" Sometimes she'll comment to Naked Daddy in his mother tongue, "Oh, everything's organized!" (Why wouldn't it be? Do I come across as that much of a slob?) and stare at the myriad of spice jars on the rack. Her snooping thus far hasn't extended beyond the kitchen fortunately, but it is very unsettling. I've tried steering her straight to the table and tempting her with wine and cheese or delicious baked goods (her weakness), but inevitably she ends up ensconced in the pantry, crouched on the floor with her head in a cupboard of Tupperware, or intently rifling through the tin foil/Saran Wrap/wax paper drawer. I don't get it. Our kitchen and its contents are nothing extraordinary. Perhaps she just misses her kitchen and wants to ensure it's being well cared for... Did I mention we bought her house a few years ago after she moved to a condo?

    In any case, as much as I love my mother-in-law, I would love to hide a big, nasty dildo in the cupboards for her to find. Not only do I want her to find it, but I want to catch her reaction on camera. Although my sister-in-law is certain her mom wouldn't know what she was looking at, that would almost be better. Could you imagine YOUR mother-in-law holding up a purple 8-inch dildo or 3-foot fister at the dinner table asking, "What the heck is this?" Now don't you dare beat me to the punch and steal my chance at America's Funniest Home Video!

    This post wouldn't be complete without a dildo picture!
    How do you deal with snoopy relatives or nosey neighbours?

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