Pooches and Pussy Cozies

Mother Nature doesn't play fair but you can make the most of your postpartum hair loss.

Satan Sent Me Spam (or My DVD Player Just Hates Me

Satan's work or Dora the Explorer's?

You're Not In The Boom Boom Room Anymore

Has your bedroom lost its sexy since baby moved in? You're not alone.

I Nominate Myself For The Worst Mommy Blogger Ever

Not your typical mommy blogger.

My Doctor Made Me More Depressed

Talking about depression is difficult, especially when you're talking to idiots.

March 2, 2015

Secret Benefits of Breastfeeding

Before the birth of my first child, I knew without a doubt that I would breastfeed because it's natural, convenient and cheap. Forget about passive immunity and kangaroo care, they had me at cheap. With my delicate princess hands, not having to wash bottles was an added bonus. As I navigated the realm of latching on, pumping, and ninja nursing in public, I discovered the secret benefits of breastfeeding. Shh, don't tell a soul...

Secret Benefits of Breastfeeding

  1. Mile high metabolism. Eat whatever you want; baby needs it!
  2. Porn star boobs without surgery (or damaging your reputation). Flash them to get discounts, fill out dresses that never fit right... but use them only for good.
  3. Graceful escapes from slow talkers, chatty cathies and negative nancies. When you can't take it any more, ask for the time, then swoop out of the room with baby announcing, "It's feeding time! She needs privacy to nurse!"
  4. Access to the swanky Mother's Lounge at the mall. Hello, comfy leather chairs and my long lost friends, peace and quiet! Goodbye, putrid public washroom and noisy Food Court!
  5. Nipples just like the tribal centrefold girls in National Geographic. You know what I'm talking about.
  6. Private seating when dining at restaurants. Expect to be tucked away where others can't see you lest you offend other patrons with your mysterious bovine-like behaviors (fancy that, using your udders for their intended purpose).
  7. Unlimited change room time at H&M. You do need more time, right? Shout out, "Just need to feed the baby!" and be given several minutes to check out your cleavage in that little black dress over and over again, or actually feed the parasite. Either way, it's good.
  8. Front Row Seats to the Bosom Buddies Disappearing Act. Once your milking days are over, the rate of funbag deflation is exponentially proportional to the number of children you nursed. It's a miracle of nature!
  9. Shopping sprees. When you're expecting, you buy Valkyrian preggo brassieres and nursing bras. Once your babe is off the boob, you will discover that nothing fits anymore whether it was from before, during or after pregnancy. You'll need new bras. While you're at it, get some new shirts.. and shoes.. because shoes.
  10. Learn what pancakes, tube socks, and bananas have in common. They are all post-nursing boob shapes! Disclaimer: You may have to nurse more than one child to develop food geometry of the breast.
What would you add to this list?

February 25, 2015

Get on the Bus, It's Time for the Bunker Punks Tour!

Who are the Original Bunker Punks? A bunch of rad bloggers that fearlessly write about anything and everything. I am so honored to have been inducted into the group! In an effort to spread our awesomeness, the Original Bunker Punks are going on tour and doing interviews. Please check out my fellow punks and show them some love.

What is your most prized possession?

My bike. Getting off the beaten path and bombing down dirt trails makes me feel wild. I get to reclaim that adventurous part of myself I thought I lost when I had kids. Incorporating cycling into my mommy life was tough at times, but worth it. 



How do you unwind after a long day?

My Kobo is my most loyal lovah. I spend so much time with my Kobo, Naked Daddy is jealous. Kobo and I curl up in bed with a story that suits my mood - I usually have a few books on the go - and tune everything and everyone out. For many moons now I've been obsessed with The People books by Kathleen O'Neal Gear and Michael Gear. 

What is one song that has followed you throughout your whole life?

Eternal Flame by the Bangles has stalked me since I was a little girl. It was an earworm before earworm was a thing, and one of the first songs I learned by heart. It's also one of the few songs from that era I can still tolerate and am not ashamed to have listened to (Paula Abdul is on the Shame List for sure). 



If you could give one piece of advice to new bloggers in your field, what would it be?

Be true to yourself, but never forget your words are public and forever. If your words will hurt someone, write them on paper instead and burn them

Now that you’re famous, we need a quote from you.

"Filters are for coffee. Be real, raw, and honest - on paper and in life." One of my most viewed and shared posts was about talking to my doctor about postpartum depression. By sharing experiences, I aim to let readers know they are not alone in their daily struggles. If I can make you laugh in the process, that's even better.


Love and giggles to the Nudist Colony and Original Bunker Punks!! I'm back, baby!

February 3, 2015

Sleep Safe With Halo Sleepsack - Review & Giveaway!

"She went in to check on him, and found him face down in his pillow, not breathing."

As my friend and colleague continued to tell me about the loss of her nephew to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), I selfishly thought of my own children. Is my three year old too young for a pillow? Are her blankets ok? Is my baby safe? Long after returning home, I was still in shock. I held my kids close, ordered a sympathy floral arrangement, researched SIDS, and took a good look at my kids' bedding. 

Did you know that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends using a wearable blanket instead of loose blankets to keep your baby warm? A recent study published in the journal, Pediatrics, shows that loose, soft bedding, is a leading cause of SIDS.  If you have a baby or small children at home, please consider wearable blankets and read more on safe sleeping: www.halosleep.com/safe-sleep-for-baby/

More information on the SleepSack wearable blanket follows as well as a chance to win one!
Image Credit: SleepSack

SleepSack Review - What We Liked

While safety was the number one consideration in our SleepSack purchases, the next biggest selling features were comfort and convenience. After doing cotton blanket origami at prenatal classes, and doing miserably at it I might add, I was happy to discover the SleepSack Swaddle. They are very easy to use! Put the SleepSack on over PJs, zip down and swaddle baby's arms in or out (depending on what she likes and if she is rolling or not). The swaddle wrap closes securely with velcro. There are no buttons that can come loose or finicky snaps. The inverted zipper made diaper changes easy and prevented baby from getting poked by a zipper pull.

I am sure I saved several hours of time with the SleepSack Swaddle during the newborn phase when we were changing diapers 20 times a day. To top it off, my babies were comfy and warm. If baby is comfy and warm, she sleeps better, and you do too. 

When my babies got bigger, we put them in the SleepSack. They were used to wearable blankets and liked them. We loved that the SleepSacks stayed in place (didn't end up over their heads or on the floor). Since both of my babies were active sleepers, we could sleep easy knowing that baby was not going to kick her blanket off and be cold, or get tangled in it. 

Finally, did I mention the material is so soft? Whether you choose organic cotton, cotton, microfleece, sherpa, or chenille, the fabrics are soft to the touch and machine washable. Look at the thermal insulation rating (TOG) for each SleepSack so you buy the right one. Aside from size and TOG, you just need to choose a fabric and color/pattern for your wearable blanket. SleepSacks are not just for newborns! Sizes go all the way up to 50 pounds.

Most of the SleepSack products are $28.95-$34.95 U.S. ($29.99+ in Canada). They are well worth the money for peace of mind and quality. We were able to use the SleepSack Swaddle and SleepSack for two children and hand them down to friends in good condition. Halo SleepSack products are available at most major department stores, ToysRUs, and online at www.halosleep.com.

Giveaway 

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Disclaimer

I received a free sample to review and give away, but the views expressed are my own.

References



  • Moon, R.Y. (2014) 
  • Sleep Environment Risks for Younger and Older Infants, Pediatrics. 


    Please sleep safe, everybody!

    December 29, 2014

    The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth

    People are still in the post-holiday doldrums, that time of year where they're too broke to do anything cool, it's too fricken cold out to do anything fun (that you would tell people about, yes I know about the mattress mambo, thank you very much), and they're tired of vacuuming up pine needles (how the hell did they get under the couch cushions?). No one has anything to say, unless they're financially blessed with a lot of disposable income and able to afford a Christmas vacay (in other words, kidless), so all they do is harass their friends and coworkers with the obligatory (because you know half the time they don't give a crap what you did, they're just asking to be polite or kill time), "How was your Christmas?" Since the truth isn't pretty, I told most people, simply, "It was great, thanks! Santa was good to us. My mom came down and cooked a lot of food. It was nice to see everyone. How 'bout you?" Blah blah, canned response.

    The canned response wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the complete truth. For a good part of the holidays, I was out of commission with gross stomach flu and allergy symptoms. I developed a rash two days before Christmas, felt icky and exhausted the next day, and by Christmas dinner, I was so ill, I wasn't able to enjoy the feast I'd prepared (beef tenderloin, roasted fennel parmesan, sweet potato casserole, and yorkshire puddings). The next two days were spent in bed or on the shitter. If my mom hadn't been visiting, the family would have starved. Ok, maybe not since there was a crapload (hmm.. poor word choice?) of pretty awesome leftovers in the fridge, but thanks to my mom, everyone didn't have to eat the same food three times a day, three days in a row. In addition to the stomach troubles, the benign-seeming rash erupted into huge, horrendously itchy hives that were so big they left bruises all over my limbs. 

    What had at first seemed like a bad virus turned out to be an allergic reaction to a new medication I'd started for depression. But which one? A week before Christmas, I had commenced acupuncture, Chinese herbs, and antidepressants at the same time. I was on a mission to get my head out of my ass, find a happy place, and make up for lost time by experimenting with various modalities. Eager to feel better in the new year, I stopped the herbs and prescription meds for a week and tried the Zoloft again. Unfortunately the second time trying that drug was worse. I was clearly allergic to Zoloft and not the Chinese herbs! Within two hours I was vomiting (three times in an hour), feeling dizzy and faint, and having muscle spasms. I should have sought medical attention, but didn't know it at the time. Did I tell anyone about that lovely experience? Hell, no! Don't you know it's inappropriate to talk about mental health issues and drugs? 

    Do people care about the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth if you aren't on trial? It's a lot easier to say, "I'm fine." when someone asks how you're doing rather than get into a big, long story but if you are battling depression, you need to talk to someone you trust and come up with a plan to change your life. You need to make changes to leave the sad place and be open to suggestions (once I thought the Gratitude Journal was the stupidest thing ever, but it kickstarted positive thinking that was the first step to feeling better). This said, there is also a time to seek professional help. See you doctor, talk about options, and make a plan for each day so you can feel you accomplished something. 

    If you know someone with depression, it may be hard to hear what she is going through, but just being there helps more than you know. If she is too draining to listen to, invite her out to activities so she knows you care. One of my dear friends went to yoga with me once a week when I was down and the time with her and on the mat were both positive. 

    Finally, but importantly, if you feel you are a danger to yourself or others, please seek medical help immediately. You are loved and deserve to feel better.

    Love and light,







    P.S. This post was written in January 2012. I was job hunting and decided not to publish at the time. Happily, going back to work clicked some sort of reboot button and got me out of a dark place (I think the routine helped). I worked for a little over a year and then decided to try being a stay at home mom again. It's been good. : )

    November 1, 2014

    Still Alive

    (Blast from the Past, March 2012)

    Hi Nudists,

    How're you doing? I'm still alive. This thing called work is kicking my ass though. I'm starting to realize why so many women don't bother and stay home so they can see their kids grow up.

    Has being out of the house helped my postpartum depression? |A little, but the whole family's stress level has gone up. Naked Daddy and I commute together and drop off and pick up the kids together so our days are long and time with the kids is short. The time between pick up and bedtime is a little over three hours. Naked Baby and Naked Girl have been sick as many times as weeks I've been working (three). After we pay the dayhome, we're only $500 ahead.

    I have to think about how this is going to work long-term....

    If you work, how did you make it work?

    April 14, 2012

    My Overdue (And Completely Irreverent) Easter Post

    Disclaimer: The following post deals with my ignorance of Easter. NONE of this post is in any way meant to bash Christianity, but deeply religious folk may find the subject matter offensive.

    The Naked Family celebrates all the (major) Canadian Christian holidays and observes most of the same traditions our church-going friends follow - except for the going to church part. Unfortunately, my lack of religious training often results in ridiculous comments / inquiries that come off as disrespectful. Divine intervention causes me to have epiphanies around extremely devout people, but rather than show me the light, they look at me horrified, shake their heads, and leave... WITHOUT PRAYING FOR ME. What the fuck?

    Enough dithering and feeling sorry for myself (I guess I will have to pray for myself tonight). Here are some of my Easter-related blunders. If you know the answers to any of these questions, feel free to enlighten me.

    Ramadan for Catholics

    Naked Mommy: What the hell is Lent? Ramadan for Catholics?
    Friend: Um, no.
    Naked Mommy: All I know is that everyone at work gave up chocolate. I don't get what that has to do with God or how it will make the man upstairs happy.
    Friend: It isn't about making God happy. It's about making a sacrifice.
    Naked Mommy: Well, whatever. If people want to do right by God, they should give up pre- and extra-marital sex... not just for Lent but all the time! The same for all that other bad stuff the other Commandments tell us not to do.
    Friend: Whatever. You didn't go to Sunday school, did you?
    Naked Mommy: I co-taught it in Junior High!
    Friend: God help the kids who were in your class.

    It's Not a Born Again Party

    Naked Mommy's Mom: What are you doing on Monday?
    Naked Mommy: Working... aren't you?
    Naked Mommy's Mom: No, it's a day off for us. Why are you working?
    Naked Mommy: Because my company doesn't care about Jesus. If Christmas is Jesus' birthday and we get a week off, and Easter is Jesus' born-again party, shouldn't we get the whole week off? I mean, it's kind of a big deal!
    Naked Mommy's Mom: Well, they could at least give you Easter Monday off.
    Naked Mommy: To be respectful. At the very least.

    Turkey and Jesus, don't ask
    Another Friend: Are you making a turkey for Easter?
    Naked Mommy: No, I hate turkey. Plus, it's so Thanksgiving.
    Another Friend: And Christmas.
    Naked Mommy: Yeah. We hosted Christmas last year though so we didn't have to have turkey; we had beef tenderloin instead.
    Another Friend: That sounds good! But don't you feel that turkey is more traditional? It just doesn't seem right to not have turkey at the holidays.
    Naked Mommy: Because Jesus died so we could eat turkey.
    Another Friend: <no words>

    This year, since I am obviously unqualified to even ask questions about Easter let alone answer them, I told Naked Baby and Naked Girl the big, fat lie about the Easter Bunny, had an Easter Egg hunt, and cooked a ham. We had a Happy Easter, how about you?

    Love,
    Naked Mommy

    March 17, 2012

    Adventures in Transit, Alligator Riding, and Highchair Wars


    After some time off, I've linked up once again with The Mommyhood Chronicles for Saturday's Top Five Laughs. After you've read mine, go visit Mel at the Mommyhood Chronicles for more funnies
    1. Adventures on Transit, Part 1: Yesterday, getting onto the train was like entering the Twilight Zone. First of all, the car was half empty - completely bizarre for rush hour, even on a Friday. I soon discovered the reason: the other end of the car was populated by half a dozen smelly and completely intoxicated homeless guys. Since they didn't seem to be causing any trouble, I stayed in the car, but stayed near the door just in case. Moments later, there was shouting from the other end of the car at about the same time sirens came screaming down the street. Turns out, the homeless dudes' buddy had overdone it (drugs, alcohol, I'm not sure which), had passed out on a bench across the tracks from us and was being checked out by police and the fire truck and ambulance were on their way. The man came to, thankfully, so his friends promptly clapped and slapped each other on the back. They then did their civic duty and announced to everyone, "And that's why you don't do crack." I dunno... maybe you had to be there. I found it pretty funny. 
    2. Adventures on Transit, Part 2: Same day, two stops down the line, I'm shaken from my reverie by pounding on the window. A young, well-dressed man was banging on the window inches from my head, shouting and making kissy faces. Not sure if it was mistaken identity, a dare, or the new way 20 year olds hit on stick my tongue out at him, but instead, I made a "Who, Me?" gesture, shook my head, then pointed at the very gay looking (and asleep) guy beside me and gave the thumbs up. The Outside Dude was like, "No way!" and the train pulled away.
    3. Adventures on Transit, Part 3: Same day, 3 stops down the line, I look up to see an Asian man in his 50s wearing a black ball cap with "Three Some Thursdays" printed on it in white block letters. I don't think he spoke English...
    4. High Chair Wars: Naked Baby has had enough of being the little one being picked on all the time, so she instigates crap with her sister. At dinner the other night, she tried to grab Naked Girl's fork. She would reach over as far to the left as she could, while sweeping her hand across Naked Girl's tray, then abruptly pull away as far to the right as she could so Naked Girl couldn't smack her. She did this several times - we were watching and laughing, parent fail award, I know - until we pulled their high chairs further apart. The whole time Naked Baby had an evil grin on her face. Poor Naked Girl was pissed off. Naked Baby also has a feisty way of telling you she's done eating. Rather than say "All done" like her sister did at the same age, she will angrily hurl food and dishes on the floor. It isn't enough to throw what she has, either. We've made the mistake of offering her something else when she does this (thinking she doesn't like her food), and she will grab the spoon from you and throw it on the floor. Same goes for sippy cups. Thank goodness for Corelle and plastic dishes!
    5. Naked Girl-isms: Naked Girl has an amazing vocabulary for her age and can tell you lengthy stories with perfect grammar, but still like any toddler, has words that don't come out right, or uses the wrong word for certain things. We aren't too strict on correcting her 'cause it's so darn cute! Our favorites as of late are: "What's yogurt (Gilbert, Caillou's cat) doing, Mommy?", "Can I make baby's hair like a porcukine (porcupine)?", and "Can we ride in the alligator (elevator)?" I think we're going to officially re-name elevators in our family. Alligator riding sounds so much more exciting!
    Have you had any adventures on public transit lately?

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